


Promises

by Janewyck



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 21:46:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10885554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janewyck/pseuds/Janewyck
Summary: Protocols go both ways...





	1. Homecoming... or not

**Author's Note:**

> So, here it is... my first ever posted story. Please be gentle - but honest. I have no beta, so I own all the mistakes.

“Sonofa _ BITCH _ !” The last word was punctuated by the sound of a coffee cup smashing against the wall of her quarters. “He PROMISED!”

After dropping off the Admiral at the VIP quarters, she’d returned to her own and attempted to get some sleep. Instead she’d tossed and turned for over an hour, then resigned herself to another sleepless night. She’d spent the last hour pacing the outer room of her quarters, muttering to herself. “How did it get this way? What the hell happened? Why did he abandon his promise?”

_ “Seven of Nine is going to die… in the arms of her husband… Chakotay.” _

The Admiral’s words had cut her to the quick. Hearing that Seven would die had been like a punch in the gut, but the revelation that Chakotay had been married to the ex-Borg nearly dropped her to her knees right in the corridor. She’d been so caught up in the news, she barely registered the Admiral’s final revelation.

_ “...And then, of course, there’s Tuvok’s illness…” _

_ “Illness?” She barely croaked out. _

_ “He has a degenerative neurological condition. The cure is in the Alpha Quadrant, but I didn’t get home in time for it to make a difference. You  _ can _ , if you just follow my plan and use the trans-warp conduit in that nebula.” _

The two Kathryn Janeways had headed straight to their ready room and shared a cup of coffee while the Captain grilled her older counterpart.

_ “They’ve been dating for a few weeks. Nothing serious, yet, but he’s afraid to tell you.” _

_ “He  _ should _ be afraid! How  _ dare _ he!” she slumped back in her seat and rested her head back against the cushions. The Admiral mirrored her actions at the other end of the sofa. She rolled her head to the side so she could look at the Admiral. “You had to perform the wedding ceremony, didn’t you?” _

_ The Admiral swallowed hard and tears filled her eyes as she nodded. “It was the most difficult day of my life. After that, the only reason I wanted to get home was to get away from them, so I didn’t have to see them be happy together.” _

_ The Captain clasped the Admiral’s hand in a show of solidarity and comfort. “Did you ever say anything to him about his… other… promises?” _

_ The Admiral shook her head. “By the time he told me about his relationship with Seven, he was too far gone for it to make a difference.” She suddenly sat up, tightening the hold on the younger woman’s hand. “But it’s not too late for you. You can remind him of his promise, point out that you’ll be home tomorrow, and that you expect him to hold up his end of the bargain.” _

_ Kathryn shook her head and sighed. “That promise was made five years ago. It seems as if it’s too late for us.” _

_ “Hrumph...” The Admiral sat back against the couch again. “If I had realized how quickly you would give up, I might not have made this journey.” _

_ “Tell me about Tuvok. He’s sick?” _

_ “Yes.” The Admiral sighed and nodded. _

_ “But it can be cured?” _

_ Another nod. _

_ “But that cure is in the Alpha Quadrant.” _

_ Another nod. _

_ “Why can’t we cure it here? I’m sure if the Doctor was able to study it…” _

_ “The Doctor is already studying it. He’s come up with a treatment that is slowing the progression of the disease, but he won’t be able to hold it off forever.” _

_ “Why can’t we cure it here?” _

_ “The cure requires a deep mind meld with a direct family member.” She held up her hand to stave off Kathryn’s response. “Before you try, the meld is much deeper than the regression you and he performed. It requires a fully-trained family member to meld and, essentially, rewire the degenerating pathways. It’s already serious enough that he will need to be taken directly to Vulcan as soon as you get home.”  _

_ The Admiral sat up again and leaned toward Kathryn, clasping her hands tightly. “Kathryn, please, you must get home in time to help him.” The tears were back in her eyes and her breath hitched. “My Tuvok… he’s… he’s locked up in a hospital, huddled on the floor scribbling notes only he knows what about.” _

_ Kathryn stared at the older woman, trying to imagine Tuvok behaving the way the Admiral had described. It was terrifying… and heartbreaking. Why the hell had this woman, this bitter older version of herself, decided to come back to shatter her life? She sighed painfully.  The Admiral had come back to make sure that her life  _ wasn't  _ shattered. Kathryn straightened her shoulders. It was time to get working on a solution they could both live with. _

 

That had been several hours ago. The two women had actually come up with a solution, which was all set and ready to go in the morning. Now all she had to do was wait for the plan to get underway.

Kathryn sighed and rested her head against the bulkhead. The hope that she had held onto for so long had been crushed by only a few words…  _ ’Seven of Nine is going to die… in the arms of her husband… Chakotay.’ _ The tears slipped down her cheeks unnoticed. 

Crickets! She’d trusted his words to her all those years ago on that planet she had insisted they name New Earth. At the time, she had needed something simple that expressed her desire to be back with Voyager… still heading toward that lofty goal.

 

_ “...And in that way, he began to know the true meaning of peace…” _

_ Her Angry Warrior laid his heart out to her with his made up legend. His words, in turn, opened her heart up to an opportunity at a life she had never imagined for herself. With his guidance, she learned to embrace that life - and him.  _

_ They spent their days working to make the shelter into a home - Chakotay gathering the supplies to build onto and strengthen the shelter, and Kathryn researching the local plants and soil to determine what could be cultivated for food, alleviating their dependence on the replicator.  _

_ The evenings were spent together - talking, laughing, sharing stories of their lives. For the first time in her life, Kathryn found herself able to turn herself off in the evenings. She’d always been so driven that her mind was constantly in motion - reading, studying, researching. She was often barely able to sleep as her mind revolved around some specific idea she had been working on. There were even times when she didn’t eat because she was so engrossed she forgot that a whole day had passed.  _

_ Now, she was much more interested in spending quiet time with Chakotay. They took things slowly. They had all their lives - or so they thought - so they allowed their relationship to evolve at a leisurely pace. About a week after his legend, they shared their first kiss under stars that were slowly becoming familiar. Their conversations became deeper… the silences more comfortable… the kisses more passionate.  _

_ She fell in love with Chakotay - sometimes she felt she had always been in love with him. Despite the fact that her scientific mind would not allow for the idea, she began to believe that the two of them were soulmates. Kathryn had no doubt that it would only be a couple more days before they both gave in to the passion that was growing between them. Then, out of the blue, came Tuvok’s voice over the communicator badge she had forgotten existed, and reality reared its ugly head. _

_ After she cut the communication with Tuvok, the two of them simply stared at each other for a long moment. Then Chakotay mumbled something about needing space and disappeared down the path they had worn to the river.  _

_ She busied herself with cleaning up the shelter, then focused her mind on decisions about what to take with them and what to leave. The bathtub would have to stay, but she thought the headboards would work on the beds in their quarters. Chakotay had completed several sand paintings and an etching of her little primate friend. She decided that those should come with them.  _

_ Suddenly her knees went out from underneath her and she landed in the chair he had carved for her. Them. Was there a ‘them’ back on Voyager? Could something like the relationship they had built here work between the Command Team on a starship lost in an unknown part of space?  _

_ All afternoon her mind turned around in circles, exploring every inch of the possibilities and ramifications of a relationship between the two of them while on board Voyager. In the end, her conclusion had been simple - she loved him. She loved him more than either of the two men she had been engaged to in her past. Together, they could survive anything. _

_ The sun was setting by the time Chakotay returned. Anxious to share the musings of her day with him, she met him at the edge of the path. But fear took over when she looked into his eyes, They were guarded - closed off from her. He didn’t respond to her hug when she greeted him, moving away from her instead. He led her to the bench he had built under the tree near the shelter and began speaking. As he spoke, the life she had grown to love shattered and crashed around her. _

_ “We can’t be together on board,” he said. “We’re the top two officers on the ship. We can’t afford the distraction of a personal relationship. I’ve experienced what a relationship like that with a member of your crew does to your decision-making abilities. Seska undermined me, confused me, distracted me. There’s no room for that on Voyager. If we have a fight, there’s no escape. There’s a reason Starfleet has protocols against fraternization. Our command decisions will be affected. What would happen if one of us had to make the decision to send the other into a dangerous situation? How would we handle it if someone had to be left behind?”  _

_ On and on he droned, pulverizing the shards of her heart that might have remained. Kathryn’s mind was reeling so much she was no longer able to take in the details of what he was saying. Finally, he took her hand and turned her to face him, then lifted her chin until she was forced to look him in the eyes. In them, she found the same shattered pain she knew was in hers.  _

_ Tears rolled down his face as his final words shoved the knife into her heart, “Kathryn, I love you more than I can put into words. I will love you until the end of my days - and into the spirit world after. There will never be another for me. But I can’t be with you while we’re stuck in the Delta Quadrant. It’s just too dangerous - for us… for the crew… the ship. My pledge remains - I will always be by your side, doing whatever I can to make your burdens lighter. But I can only do it as your friend.” _

_ Kathryn could barely speak, “I love you Chakotay. We can work this out. There will be difficult times, but we can do anything together. Please don’t end this. Please.” _

_ “We have to, Kathryn.” He took a deep breath and looked deeply into her eyes, “On my life, I will promise you this: If we are both still alive when we get home to Earth, I will take you into my arms and never let you go. I will make you my wife, and I will build my future around you.” He kissed her gently, then got up and walked into the shelter, leaving her sobbing. _

_ They returned to Voyager the next day, given a clean bill of health by the Doctor, and went on duty straight away.  _

_ Kathryn had steeled herself for the return to a command relationship, but was finding it difficult. Being overly formal with him was the only way she could get through it. He responded in kind. After ordering him to complete several reports, she remained on the bridge only a short period of time before escaping to her ready room and burying herself in getting up to speed on what had happened on the ship while she’d been away. _

_ That evening, she tried once more to approach Chakotay on the subject of their relationship, but he shot her down before she could get more than a few words out.  _

_ “Kathryn, my mind is made up. Please don’t bring this up again, or I’ll have to bring harassment protocols into play.”  _

_ Shocked at the harshness of his tone, she let him walk away from her. Having nothing left and no-one to go to, she headed to her quarters in a daze, barely making it there before the tears came. _

 

The following months had been pure torture for her. There was nobody for her to confide in, so she hid in her quarters and licked her wounds in private. Chakotay slipped back into his on-board friendships easily and was soon visiting Sandrine’s and playing pool as if he hadn’t been away for six weeks. A month or so after their return, she overheard a conversation between two members of the crew.

_ “What the hell is up between the Captain and Chakotay? She’s holed up in her ready room or her quarters, and he’s wandering around like a little lost puppy.” _

_ “I heard that something happened between them down on that planet, but that she called it off when they came back to the ship.” _

_ “Why the hell would she do that?” _

_ “I’m not sure. B’Elanna said she’d asked him about his relationship with the Captain, but all he would say is that it was ‘complicated’ and mentioned the idea of protocols getting in the way.” _

_ “Seriously? Protocols 70,000 light years away from StarFleet? What does she expect? Make him be alone for 70 years? What a bitch!” _

_ “I don’t really think she’s a bitch. I mean, she’s sentencing herself to the same 70 years alone. She’s just really too caught up in those stupid protocols that don’t mean a damn thing all the way out here.” _

Kathryn’s first instinct had been to race after the two women and set them straight about who was forcing protocols on whom. But she’d stopped herself just in time. The same protocol that Chakotay had invoked to avoid her confronting him about their personal relationship also banned her from discussing it with anyone else. So, she had kept the truth to herself and let the crew think it was she who had pushed him away.

 

She had never spoken of their relationship to him again. It had taken some time for her to lock away her heart, but she had somehow managed. Once the passion had cooled between them, they had been able to build their relationship into the deepest friendship she’d ever known. She treasured that bond, depended on it when the DQ tried its best to destroy her. 

Many times she nearly confronted him again, wanting to point out that their differences of opinion had not destroyed the friendship between them - nor had their friendship gotten in the way of their command decisions. Afraid of destroying what they had been able to build kept her quiet. 

When she got the “Dear John” letter from Mark, a part of her had hoped that he would bring it up then. But, although there were a few tension-filled moments, he never spoke up. All she could do was cling to the promises he had made on the planet, and continue to look for a way to get them home as soon as possible.

The strength of their bond was tested and weakened over the years, but they always found their way back to each other. Chakotay had a few relationships with the ‘alien babe of the month’ (as she liked to think of them). There was the blond former borg that had implanted him with a borg transponder and joined him into her ‘collective’...and the member of Species 8472 who had appeared as a human woman. 

She’d even come across a mention in the journal she kept (her ‘true’ personal log she hand wrote so she could keep it secret from Starfleet - and anyone else with prying eyes) about some woman who made them forget everything about her and her species as soon as they left the ship. Despite his seeming defections, she always forgave him. After all, as the saying went, ‘a man has needs’. 

She wasn’t entirely innocent, either. There’d been the Langolian Prince who had insisted she remain planetside for the entire duration of their negotiations, and subsequent shore leave time. They’d spent many hours together touring his beautiful planet. The last night of their visit, she had spent in his bedroom. 

The look on Chakotay’s face had been priceless. She knew that he had access to the Doctor’s report on the physiological compatibility she’d asked for - which meant that he knew what was happening between her and the prince. He never said a word about it, or about anyone else. He’d even encouraged her to spend time with that hologram (she still couldn’t believe she had gone that far). After all, a woman ‘has needs’, too.

The situation on Quarra with Jaffen had really put a strain on their relationship, though. This hadn’t been a ‘babe of the month’. She’d moved in with the man for heaven's sakes! Although they had talked about her feelings on having her mind altered and her life rewritten, they’d never gone so far as to talk about that part - or the fact that she’d still been reeling from the crushing loneliness of returning to the constraints of being Captain when she said goodbye to Jaffen, and had actually invited him to come with her. 

Had that been the final break in their bond? No. Unless he had bugged her quarters or read her journal, Chakotay would have had no way of knowing about her invitation. She had also mentioned in her official incident report that she, along with the rest of the crew, was still having trouble coming to terms with how their personalities had been altered. 

She’d used herself as an example - that she would never have moved so quickly in a romantic relationship. If he had read her official report, he would at least know that much.

Still, that had to have been some kind of turning point. It can’t have been very long after they left Quarra that this ‘thing’ between Chakotay and Seven had begun. He had apparently given up on her - on them - and moved on. He’d forgotten or ignored his promises to her and decided to build a life with someone else. According to the Admiral, he’d done so completely, and never looked back. 

What a hypocrite! He had gone on and on about how a relationship with someone in the crew wasn’t possible for him. Yet, here he was, dating (and eventually marrying) exactly that. Maybe he hadn’t really loved her after all. Maybe back on that planet, she’d been nothing more than a convenient lay - the only possibility for the rest of his life. Maybe his words of promise to her had simply been a way of letting her down easy. 

Gods, she was a fool! How could she not have seen it? His refusal to discuss the situation when they returned to the ship… the ease at which he moved on while she was nearly frozen with grief… his willingness to be nothing more than her friend. She’d always thought that the closeness of their friendship was due, in part, to the unspoken love that they shared. How could she have been so blind? Her heart once more broken into a million pieces, the tears poured down her face.

 

*Captain, the time is 0500. Captain, the time is 0500*

“Computer, reset time 24 hours, lights 50%.” She mumbled just loud enough for the computer to hear her then sat up, disoriented and achy. It took her a few minutes to realize that she had been curled up in a ball on the floor of her quarters. She must have cried herself to sleep where she was. 

‘At least I was able to get a few hours’ sleep’ she thought wryly. ‘Even if I am too old to be sleeping on the floor.’ She stretched and rubbed the crust from her tear-swollen eyes, replicated a cup of coffee, and headed for the shower. Much as a bath would help ease the kinks out of her neck and back, she didn’t have time. She did allow herself the luxury of a piping-hot water shower, though. It cost her a large number of replicator rations but she figured that, one way or the other, she wouldn’t need them after today.

She emerged from the shower feeling better and more focused. Pulling on her uniform, she took a good hard look at herself in the mirror. “You’ve had your time crying over spilt milk, now get up and face the world with your head held high. You are Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. In a few hours, you will have led your crew across 70,000 light years of unknown space and brought them safely home. You have successfully beat the Kazon, the Hirogen, the Borg, the Devore, and many hundreds of other hostile races. You have made successful first contact with hundreds of peaceful ones. Whatever your personal situation, you are a damn fine captain with a damn fine crew.” She turned on her heel and strode out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She could feel the shock wave from the torpedo as the ship shook violently, then suddenly all was calm. The viewscreen showed several Federation ships - all with their shields up and weapons armed - all facing them. Kathryn sat for a moment, stunned. “We did it…” she whispered to herself, disbelief in her voice. 

“Captain, we’re being hailed.” came Harry Kim’s voice from behind her.

“On screen..” The view of the ships disappeared and was replaced by the shocked faces of Admiral Paris, Reg Barclay, and several other Starfleet officers. “Sorry to surprise you. “ She couldn’t help the joyous sarcasm. “Next time we’ll call ahead.”

“Welcome back. ” A stunned Admiral Paris stared at her through the viewscreen. 

“It's good to be here.”

“How did you…?”

Out of practice with responding to a superior officer, she cut him off. “It'll all be in my report, sir.”

“I look forward to it.” Luckily, everyone was still stunned, and she was speaking to her old mentor, so he let her insubordination go without comment.

The transmission ended and Kathryn gave herself a moment. “Thanks for your help, Admiral Janeway.” 

“Sickbay to the bridge. Doctor to Lieutenant Paris. There's someone here who'd like to say hello.” They could all hear a baby crying in background. Tom swirled in his seat to look at her, eyes wide with amazement.

“You'd better get down there, Tom.” 

“Yes, ma'am.” he choked out as he flew to the turbolift.

She looked to her left to celebrate the moment with Chakotay… but he wasn’t there. Confused, her eyes searched the bridge. There he was… standing next to Seven at the auxiliary station where she had been working. ‘...and there went his final promise - to always be at my side.’

Part of her just wanted to leave it alone… head to her ready room and let them carry on as if she wasn’t there - not that she thought he would even notice at this point. But she’d had enough of keeping herself on the back burner. She was still the Captain, so she did the only thing she could think of to get the two of them apart… even if it was for a short time. 

“Mister Chakotay.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“The helm?” She swept her hand toward Tom’s empty seat.

He started, as if just realizing where he was, then trotted down to the helm with a quiet “Aye, Captain.”

“Harry, are we where we thought we would be?”

There was a moment of quiet while he checked the readings. “Well, yes and no, Captain.”

She turned to look at him. “Well? Which is it?”

He quietly cleared his throat, “We are in the Alpha Quadrant, but… umm… we’re still several dozen light years away from the Sol system.”

She stood and turned to look at Seven squarely. “Seven?”

“It seems that I miscalculated which conduit to take, Captain.” Her typical matter of fact tone grated on Kathryn’s nerves.

“Well, then, I suggest that you get down to Astrometrics and figure out how that happened.” Anger dripped from her voice. Seven nodded, and disappeared through the turbolift doors.

“Harry - open a ship wide channel.”

“Channel open, Captain.”

“Voyagers, I’m happy to announce that we have succeeded. We are in the Alpha Quadrant and have already been in touch with Starfleet. We’re still a few light years away, but we should be home in another week or so.” Harry reversed the comm so the cheers of the crew could be heard.

She turned back and settled herself in her seat. “Set a course for home.”

“Captain...” Chakotay sounded bewildered. “Starfleet Command has ordered us to an all-stop.”

She was perplexed - why would they do that? There seemed no reason. She thought about contacting Admiral Paris again and arguing her point, but hesitated to be seen fighting Command from the bridge. She would speak to them later on - in private. 

Her crew would be even more confused, she realized. “Voyager is damaged, and Starfleet isn’t accustomed to moving while doing extensive repairs like we are. We’ll let it go for a while, then I’ll speak to them later on.” She hoped she sounded reassuring. 

She stayed on the bridge only a few minutes more. Needing space to take in all that had just happened, she handed over the bridge to Chakotay and escaped to her ready room.

 

Chakotay watched her go. There was something wrong. She should be jumping for joy and celebrating like the rest of the crew. Instead, she was hiding in her ready room. He tried to console himself with the idea that she was overwhelmed with all that had happened in the past few days and didn’t want the crew to see her reaction. But he knew it was something more.

A few moments after she had disappeared, she called Tuvok into her ready room. When the Vulcan reappeared, he bade the entire bridge crew a ‘Live Long and Prosper’ then disappeared into the turbolift. They all watched him go, confusion written all over their faces. Had he just said a definitive goodbye? As if he was leaving the ship for good? It certainly sounded that way. Chakotay had had enough. It was time to get some answers.

He was just standing up when her hail came, “Chakotay, please join me in my ready room.” 

“Harry - you have the bridge.” He gave the ensign a brief glance, and noticed the look of relief on the young man’s face. He chuckled to himself - once the Captain had spoken to him, there was always more clarity to her movements. He hurried to her door and pressed the chime.

The Captain was standing at her window, looking out over the stars - a pose he had seen so many times it was burned in his memory. “Captain? You wanted to see me?” 

With no preamble, she began speaking. “Tuvok has left the ship. He needs immediate medical attention that, now we are in the Alpha Quadrant, he will be able to receive in time.”

In time? This must be one of the revelations the Admiral had put forth to convince the Captain to go along with the plan. “Can I ask what is wrong?”

“No. It’s his own private matter. He must be the one to speak to you, if he wants you to know about it. Suffice it to say, the cure for his ailment is available here and he is on his way to receive it.”

“But the cure was not available in the Delta Quadrant.” 

“Correct.” She still hadn’t turned around. 

“Thank you for informing me. I will make sure to ease the crew’s worries.”

“I appreciate that.” He saw her sigh deeply, then she turned and stared at him. “I know about you and Seven.”

Damn. “Kathryn, I…”

She put up her hand to wave him off. “I just want you to know that I won’t officiate at your wedding. I won’t be in attendance at all.”

“ _ Wedding _ ? Kathryn, what are you talking about? We’re not getting married!” 

“That’s not what I’ve been told.” Her voice was cold… distant.

He was dumbfounded. In his confusion, he focused on the wrong part of what she was saying. “Why wouldn’t you even go?”

She gave him a death glare, “Because you don’t have a very good track record for keeping your promises.”

“Kathryn, I…”

She cut him off again, “I expect we will need to work together during the debriefings, but after that, I see no need for further communication between us.”

“What! Kathryn, what are you saying?”

“I should think that’s pretty obvious, Commander. Once one the debriefings are completed, our… connection… will come to an end.” She gave him another hard look and took a deep breath. “That’s all I wanted to say to you. Dismissed.”

“Kathryn….”

“I said  _ dismissed _ , Commander.”

“Aye,  _ Captain. _ ” he couldn’t help snapping back then turned on his heel and walked out the door.

 

Kathryn sagged against her window. That had been difficult, but necessary. Although, she had to admit that she had rather enjoyed it. After the pain-filled, sleepless night she had endured, watching his face run through all those emotions had been satisfying. Dismay over how she knew; confusion over what she meant by a wedding; finally (and this one really gratified her wounded heart) fear and pain over losing her friendship. 

‘How does it feel, Chakotay?’ She hissed under her breath. ‘It’s not really the best feeling to be betrayed, is it?’ She moved toward her desk - she had a report to write. One, she was sure, that all of Starfleet Command was waiting for.

 

Chakotay left her ready room even more perplexed that he’d been walking in. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the questioning look on Harry’s face. “Tuvok is in need of medical attention he can only get on Vulcan. The Captain and Starfleet Command have given him leave to do so.” He could almost hear the collective sigh of relief from the bridge crew. 

If only he felt as relieved as they did. What the hell was she talking about? Marriage to Seven? They had only been on a couple of dates. How had she even heard about them? 

Seven wouldn’t have told Kathryn - it had been her request that he keep their relationship a secret. Uncomfortable with the Doctor knowing about her romantic attempts because of his avowed love for her, she didn’t want input from the Captain, either. Since he was also uncomfortable about it (although he wasn’t quite sure why), he had readily agreed. But still…  _ marriage _ ? Where had that come from? 

And what the hell did she mean about our connection coming to an end? Did she mean she didn’t even want to be friends after the debriefings? Had their friendship simply been something she created just to get through the tough times? He didn’t - couldn’t - believe that. But, then, what was she saying?

Over and over, the questions ran through his head. It was a good thing they were in the Alpha Quadrant, at all stop. Had he needed to do anything other than sit there, he would have been useless. He noticed that she wasn’t downloading the damage reports, so he did his best to take them in and put them in order of priority. Even then, the job was half hearted and sloppily done.

 


	2. Decisions

Kathryn ended the transmission and leaned forward on her desk, pinching the bridge of her nose. She had a headache the size of the entire Delta Quadrant. She briefly considered contacting the Doctor for an analgesic, but then remembered that it wouldn’t be him she would be speaking to. A bath would have to do.

She sighed and leaned back in her chair. It was over. She supposed she should be happy. In a way, she was. At least she no longer had to deal with it. 

After her conversation with Chakotay, she had spent the next few hours working on her report of how Voyager had made the trip to the Alpha Quadrant. It had taken her much longer than she expected because of the multiple debates she’d had with herself about exactly how much detail to include. 

Ultimately, she decided to include the information about Admiral Janeway’s visit and her advice on the changes they had made to Voyager’s shields and weaponry, while leaving out the details of their futures that her future self had supplied. When she submitted her report to Admiral Paris, she had even taken the step to warn him that it included time travel, so that it could be classified appropriately. 

That had been the last of her completely positive interactions with Starfleet Command. An hour or so later, just before shift change, she had received communication from an Admiral Kawaoki. His orders to her still haunted her: All Maquis, Equinox, Borg, along with Tom Paris and the Doctor were to be relieved of duty. 

She’d argued and pleaded that these personnel were vital to Voyager’s operations and repairs, but to no avail. Despite Starfleet’s acceptance of the makeup of her crew while they were in the DQ, now that they were home, any crewmember that had not been assigned to Voyager was viewed as “inappropriate”. 

It seemed as if even Starfleet had trouble keeping promises. The Maquis were once again viewed as terrorists; the Equinox crew under suspicion for Dereliction of Duty, Tom a prisoner, the Doctor a simple hologram, and Seven and Icheb a “threat to the Federation.” 

Admiral Kawaoki had expected her to simply make a general announcement, but she was at least able to convince him that she should to inform everyone in person in order to avoid any ‘extreme reactions’. She pulled Chakotay into her ready room and informed him of the situation. His lack of surprise had nearly driven her to tears.

_ “Chakotay, as of this moment you are no longer my First Officer..” _

_ “..And no need for any further… connection? Isn’t that what you called it?” He spat his words at her, his face hard and cold. _

_ His remark cut her to the quick. When she’d said those words to him, she had imagined that they would part ways on Earth, never to see each other again. Now, they were still on the ship together, and she needed him more than ever. “Yes, Chakotay, I have no right to ask you for your help… but I am. I think it will help the crew to accept the situation if we inform them together. Will you do it?” _

_ His face softened somewhat. “Yes, I’ll do it - for the crew.” _

_ So they went together, deck by deck, department by department. Each crewmember responding the same way as Chakotay - lack of surprise, silent acceptance. By the time they finished, the tears were starting to well up in her eyes. To his credit, Chakotay gently led her to her quarters before disappearing into his own. _

That was the last time she’d seen him, and she’d regretted her angry words to him every day since. She’d needed his kindness and his gentle guidance as the rest of the situation unfolded. After the dismissal of a third of her crew, SF had inserted crew from the various ships surrounding them. 

To her amazement, they had ordered her to halt any repairs to the ship, then the replacement crew began returning Voyager’s systems to her original specs, bypassing all the improvements her crew had made over the years. Then, while they hung dead in space, SF began the onerous task of debriefings.

Thus, her nightmare began in full force. Normally the Senior staff would have worked together, but she did not have that luxury. She had never really thought about how much of that group had been ‘non-original’. Her First Officer and Engineering Chief were Maquis, her Chief Helmsman - a prisoner, The Doctor - a hologram, Seven - a former Borg. Her Chief of Security was original ‘Fleet’, but Tuvok was off the ship being treated for a neurological ailment - one which interfered with his logic and emotional stability. She wasn’t sure if SF would ever accept his input as intact. Her Chief Operations officer was also original ‘Fleet’, but his opinions were being discredited due to ‘lack of experience’. 

_ “He’s had seven hard years of experience!” she countered. _

_ “Under only one captain, in an unconventional situation - with that captain making unconventional decisions. He has no frame of reference with which to gauge the situations.” _

She hadn’t been able to argue with that logic. Instead, because B’Elanna wasn’t available, she assigned Harry to head up engineering.

So, despite all of Chakotay’s reassurances over the years, she really  _ was _ alone. For the past three weeks she had stood up to the Admiralty as they went through each and every member of her crew. She’d advocated for them - fought for their rights against a wall of bureaucracy that seemed to know no bounds. In the end, although she wasn’t completely happy, she accepted the compromise she was given: 

The Maquis were officially convicted of ‘Crimes against the Federation’, sentenced to time served aboard Voyager, and awarded back pay at 50% of what they would have earned if they had worked while imprisoned. 

The Equinox crewmembers’ ranks were reinstated and they were given a general discharge with 50% back pay for the time they had served in the Delta Quadrant - including the time spent serving aboard the Equinox. 

Much like the Maquis, Tom Paris’ sentence was remitted for time served aboard Voyager, and he was granted full back pay equal to what he would have earned working during his sentence. 

Seven, Icheb, and the Doctor were granted the status of ‘independent person’, although further deliberation was deemed necessary before recognizing them as Federation Citizens. (She had full plans of keeping on top of that ‘discussion’.)

The original Starfleet crew would be given full back pay, and decisions were underway about possible promotions. (Another ‘discussion’ she intended to keep on top of)

She’d fought tooth and nail for the rights of her crew, but there was no one to fight for her. She’d just received the final ‘decision’, which was no decision at all. She was being relieved of command and placed on indefinite administrative leave pending further investigation of her actions while in the DQ. 

She found that she really didn’t care at the moment. Her headache was getting worse every minute that she sat there. Again, she considered a trip to sickbay for an analgesic… but she still didn’t want to face anyone that wasn’t the Doctor. In the end, she simply packed up any personal items she had in her ready room and headed for her quarters, ignoring any of the mostly-unfamiliar crew on the bridge.

 

Chakotay headed toward the mess hall at a slightly faster pace than was his norm. He was looking for information on the Captain, and that was the only place he could get it. He was pretty sure he’d heard Kathryn moving around in her quarters the past two days, and he needed verification that she hadn’t been back to the bridge.

After their relief from duty, the Maquis had kept to themselves, never venturing from their quarters. They later learned that the other ‘relieved’ people had followed suit. Nobody wanted to give any of the AQ ‘Fleeters any grounds for suspicion against them. 

After a few days, however, they began to get stir crazy. So, they ventured out a few at a time, usually gathering in public places like the mess hall, always including themselves in groups of Voyager’s ‘Fleeters’, and - if possible - a few of the AQ ‘Fleeters’.  

Conversations were loud - no whispering or talking quietly under their breath - again avoiding any question of suspicious activities. Luckily, the Voyagers had spent a great deal of time together in uncomfortable situations. Over the years, they had developed a way of communication that would seem like regular conversation to any outsider.

“It’s been so long since I saw the warp engine operating at Starfleet specs. I think even B’Elanna would be confused!” Translated into  _ ‘They’ve dumped anything we ever did to those engines. If B’Elanna was around, heads would roll!’ _

A lot of the communication had to do with the Captain and what may be going on between her and Starfleet Command.

Clint Miller, the Operations Officer covering for Harry while he was in Engineering, would say, “Harry, thanks so much again for showing me such an easy way to combine separate hails into one conference communication. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to do that - and not all of those Admirals are very pleasant when they come through.” Meant:  _ 'Everyone is hounding her, and some of them are not happy with what she’s saying/doing.’ _

To one of the crew still serving on the bridge: “Mike, have you had to fix the Captain’s replicator yet?” ... _ Is she eating? _

“Nope - she keeps telling me it’s working fine.” Small laugh. “I think she’s on a diet, though. You know we all put on a few pounds out there, but I’m starting to see her cheekbones again.”  _...She’s probably subsisting on coffee, and there are dark circles under her eyes - I don’t think she’s getting any sleep. _

As luck would have it, he was greeted by Mike and Clint - just the people who could give him the information he was looking for. Mike wasted no time in giving it to him, either. “Hey Chakotay, do you think the Captain would be up for a pool tournament? She seems to have more time on her hands, now. Maybe she could spare us a few hours.” ... _ She hasn’t been to the bridge in a few days. _

“I don’t know… maybe,” he countered. “It’s probably not a bad idea. Do you think she would be interested?  _...How did she seem the last time you saw her? _

“Come to think of it,” Clint piped up, “we haven’t had the pool table out recently. Maybe if we gave her enough warning, she would have some time to get up to speed… Or maybe Tom will finally beat her!”  _...Not good. Hopefully she’ll get some rest and a good meal, but I doubt it. _

Not realizing that she was butting in on a coded conversation, AQ ‘Fleeter Candace Heller still supplied certainty to what Chakotay had begun to suspect. “I don’t know that she’d have the time to practice. I’m pretty sure she’s busy packing. We delivered some crates to her quarters today.”

The three Voyagers couldn’t help it - they broke code and stared at each other. “W-w-well,” Chakotay stammered, trying to cover their reactions, “I guess the pool tournament is out. Besides, Tom is so wrapped up in Miral, I doubt if he’d come out, either.”

“How is Miral? Have they gotten her to sleep through the night?” Mike moved the conversation the rest of they way out of code and into regular talk.

 

Chakotay headed back to his quarters, his mind whirling in circles. Kathryn had told him point blank that she no longer wanted anything to do with him. But she’d said it at the same time she’d told him how she felt about his so-called relationship with Seven of Nine. A relationship that was now over - even before it had really begun. 

He still wasn’t really sure how Kathryn had gotten the idea that he and Seven would marry. He suspected that the Admiral had provided that little nugget, but that Kathryn even believed it… he didn’t get it.

He and Seven had broken off their ‘romantic association’ (as she called it) within a few days of being removed from their posts. They had each discovered that the period of separation after they were relieved from duty had not engendered any feelings of ‘missing’ the other. Seven’s research on the matter concluded that this denoted that no actual bond had been formed. Chakotay agreed, so they parted amicably and remained friendly with each other.

With that part of Kathryn’s anger settled, his first instinct had been to run to her and explain what had transpired after their ‘talk’ (something probably better termed as her speech). With the circumstance they were now in, though, he thought it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to try to corner her with a private conversation. 

If he and the Maquis were all trying to avoid the appearance of rebellion, mutiny, or some other underhanded scheme, any conversation he had with her could be construed as inappropriate in many different ways. Instead, he focused on trying to figure out what else she had said to him.  _ “...you don’t have a very good track record for keeping your promises.” _ What had she meant by that?

He’d ended up going on several vision quests to ask for help. Coyote the trickster had him running in circles.  _ “Memories are fleeting. Seen differently by others. What have you seen differently?” _ All his spirit guide would say was that he needed to look into himself for the answers to his questions. 

Finally, his father had appeared.  _ “Why do you ask questions you already know the answers to?” _

_ “I don’t know the answer to this one, Father. Please help me to understand why Kathryn hates me.”  _

_ “Does she hate you? Did she tell you that?” _

_ “She told me she didn’t want to have anything else to do with me. It’s the same thing.” _

_ “Is it? Why do you think she doesn’t want to be around you anymore.” _

_ “Because of my relationship with Seven.” _

_ “Is that what she said?” _

_ “She said she would not be at a wedding between me and Seven.” _

_ “Oh, so she would leave a close friendship because she doesn’t approve of your choice of wife.” _

_ “She said she would not support my marriage to Seven because I wasn’t good at keeping promises. But I always keep my promises.” _

_ “Do you?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “What promises have you made to her?” _

_ “That I would always be by her side, supporting her.” _

_ “And have you been?” _

_ “Essentially...We’ve had disagreements, but I’ve always been there for her.” _

_ “Have you? Where were you when you arrived in the AQ? Were you by her side?” _

_ Chakotay opened his mouth to respond with a ‘yes’... then realized that he had been standing by Seven when they arrived in the AQ. He’d only come down to the command level when she’d ordered him to take over the helm from Tom. “No, Father. I wasn’t,” he said quietly and hung his head. _

_ “And have you made any other promises to your dearest friend?” _

_ He looked up at his father. “Does she still remember that?” he said in a small voice. “After all these years?” _

_ “I am not the person to ask that question, Son.” _

He came out of the vision quest with tears running down his face. “Oh, Kathryn… I broke my promise… and your heart, it seems.” He’d forgotten… the years between that promise and the present were long and arduous. He and Kathryn had both been through a great many changes. 

Other loves… well… one night stands, if he was being honest… disagreements… a dozen other things that would have broken most friendships - and couples. Yet, still, they were together. All those years ago he had pushed her away because he thought that a relationship between them would get in the way of their command positions. Instead, they’d built a friendship stronger than everything the entire Delta Quadrant threw at them. A relationship closer than most lovers. 

And what had he done? He’d not just broken that promise to her, he’d also ignored the reason he hadn’t allowed a relationship between them in the first place. He’d made it impossible for her to ever speak to him about it. He’d heard the rumors that she was the one who had put him off, and had let them continue without speaking out against them. He’d made it impossible for her to speak out, either. Five years she had waited silently, and in one misguided “experiment” he’d smashed her dreams with no thought at all.

Anger at her dissipated from the realization that the entire situation between them was his fault, he returned to his more typical worry about her wellbeing. From what he’d been able to glean from the coded conversations, she was being put through the ringer by Starfleet. 

‘She’s probably spending most of her time fighting for us,’ he thought ruefully. He was almost positive she was - it would be true to form for her. From his years in Starfleet he knew that most debriefings involved the entire senior staff working together. He knew that is what she had expected - her words that they would have to work together during debriefings was proof of that.

But there was no senior staff left, which meant that she was facing Starfleet Command alone; answering to every action she and her crew had taken while lost in an unexplored region of space, with no Starfleet to watch her back. 

‘Kathryn, I’m so sorry…” Would she ever forgive him? He truly didn’t know. She seldom backed down from a decision. It’s what made her a great warrior - quick and decisive, never backing down from her course of action. It’s also what made her a great leader - her refusal to back down providing a solid structure on which to support a community.

All he’d been able to do was bide his time until things were settled with Starfleet. From what he’d gathered from that last conversation, it seemed that they were settled two days ago. And she was packing. This did not bode well. She needed her crew...it was time for  _ them _ to bolster  _ her _ up. He put aside his worries about their relationship, and settled on getting her out of her quarters so she could feel the love of her crew.

 


	3. Off Duty

*Chakotay to Captain Janeway*

Damn… she’d wondered how long it would take him to figure out that the debriefing was finished. She’d spent the last two days holed up in her quarters, licking her wounds, reading, trying to sleep (that last one had been elusive, as usual). Perhaps if she ignored him, he would give up.

*Chakotay to Kathryn*

She kept her silence.

*Kathryn, I know you can hear me… and I know the codes to get into your quarters. Please don’t make me cause a ruckus in the hallway.*

Damn “I changed the codes, Chakotay. You won’t be able to get in… and your override doesn’t work anymore.” Take that!

*Aha! I got you to respond!*

Damn, again - how did he always do that? “What do you want, Chakotay?”

*Join me for dinner.*

She hesitated… she wasn’t sure if she should. “I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Chakotay.”

*We’ll go to the mess hall and see some of the crew. I know they miss you.*

“Chakotay…”

*Come on Kathryn. I bet you haven’t had a decent meal in weeks. There’s no leola root, and no more of Chell’s cooking, either.* One of the first things that Starfleet had done was to supply the ship with the power and organic matter needed to run the replicators without any rationing. With Chell relieved of duty, all they had was a bank of replicators in the mess hall.

She sighed… there wasn’t going to be any way out of it… and it might be nice to see some of the crew - she’d missed them. “How about I meet you there? Say… 1800?”

*Sounds good to me. And Kathryn… I’m going to hold you to it.*

She couldn’t help it, she had to laugh. Same old Chakotay… always looking after her… bugging her until she looked after herself. She checked the time. It was 1530...plenty of time to finish packing the crate she’d been working on and still get a bath before she went. 

 

Chakotay felt like a schoolboy on his first date - not that this was a date, per se. But he was going to be able to spend time with Kathryn. He’d missed her a lot more than he’d realized. Just talking to her over the comm was a balm to his soul. He wished he could contact specific people who would make her have a good time, but it wasn’t possible with the current atmosphere on the ship. He just had to pray that there would be a good mix available when they got there. 

He arrived at the mess hall a little early in hopes that he could gather a good group around one of the larger tables… and got really lucky. He found Harry and Tal Celes seated with Zach - one of the ‘good guys’ from the AQ ‘Fleeters. The Lieutenant had always been respectful of all of the Voyagers - had almost seemed apologetic at times - and Zach had mentioned something about knowing Kathryn at the academy. 

Right behind Chakotay came Dalby and Ayala - perfect! He just had to get all of them together at the same table. “Hey Harry, how are you? Can I join you? Mike - come along with me.” His sentences ran together awkwardly, but he hoped that they would realize that something was up. He was right.

“As if you had to ask, Chakotay.” This from Celes, of all people. It was probably the Bajoran in her - she was surprisingly good at picking up clues.

“You too, Mike. No one eats alone on Voyager,” piped in Harry. “Do you all know Zach?”

Greetings rounded the table as everyone shifted around. 

Kathryn appeared in the doorway at precisely 1800, and made her way to where Chakotay was sitting. Chakotay almost choked on his soup - she looked beautiful. She was wearing a silky blouse with a pair of jeans (of all things - completely non-command attire) Her hair hung softly around her shoulders and, aside from the fact that she’d tried to hide the black circles under her eyes, light makeup. He was speechless.

“Captain!” the cry came from Harry. “Please join us.”

“Thank you, Harry. But please, I’m off duty, call me Kathryn”

“Katie Janeway without a book? I’d never have believed it if I didn’t see it with my own eyes.” A soft chuckle came from the other side of Celes.

Kathryn’s face whipped around at the use of her childhood nickname. “Zachariah Bentley?” Unconsciously, her arms folded around her in an all-too-familiar pose. “It looks like you finally passed your science exam.”

“I’ll have you know I passed it the first time. With you in my class, I’m just lucky they didn’t grade on a curve!”

“You were at the academy with the Capt...er..Kathryn?” Mike piped in.

“Yep. She helped me out of a jam with my quantum mechanics exams.” He shook his head, “I never did find anything she  _ didn’t _ know.”

“You must have some great stories about her.” It was Celes’ turn to jump in.

Zach shook his head, “Sorry, no. Katie was much too serious about her studies. If she showed up at a party, she only stayed for a little bit, then disappeared.” He leaned in close, as if telling a secret, “Come to think of it, she did stand up Will Riker once.”

“Hey! That was the weekend I had to write my entire thesis proposal for Admiral Paris! It’s not like I had a lot of free time!”

“Admiral Paris was your thesis mentor?” Mike choked out. “How the hell did you survive to graduate?”

“By standing up Will Riker!” She laughed. 

As the table laughed with her, Chakotay noticed that her laugh was somewhat forced. His suspicions about her wellbeing moved up a notch. Then Harry got the conversation moving in the right direction to learn more about what was going on.

“Seriously, Cap...Kathryn, I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you out of uniform.”

“Well, there were a few times - Tom and Neelix’s luau, the Doctor’s recital - but I have to admit that there weren’t many times I had the luxury of being truly off duty like I am, now.”  _ I’m relieved of duty - of command - I’m just a normal person, now. _ Kathryn was just as good at the coded conversations as the rest of the crew.

“You can’t be serious, Katie. You have to have had some downtime - everybody does.”

“Ha!” Chakotay barked a laugh. “Not in the DQ!” He shook his head. “She was always on duty, at yellow alert.”

“Wait a minute - seven years of duty time? No wonder you’re exhausted. You deserve a long leave.”

Kathryn laughed. “Well, seven years, minus about two months, but other than that - yes. And I might just get that long leave you mentioned.” The last sentence was spoken quietly, so that only the ones sitting right next to her heard it clearly. 

“Actually,” she glanced at Chakotay out of the corner of her eye, “I was thinking of growing a garden.”  _...I won’t be going back anytime soon. _

“Perhaps some Talaxian Tomatoes?” He responded gently. “I saved a few seeds, if you would like them.”  _...message received. I remember, and I’ll be there for you if you let me. _

“I’d like that… thanks.” She smiled ... _ I missed you. I need your support. _

“Then that’s settled. I’ll make sure you have the package before we leave the ship. I’ll even help you find a place to plant them.”  _...I’ll be right there by your side. _

She smiled at him again, then turned toward Mike Ayala. “So, Mike, have you decided what you’re going to do when we finally do get back?”  _...The Maquis are free and in control of their own lives. _

“Uh… um…” Mike stammered. “Ah… not really. I’d like to find my sons, but I haven’t the foggiest idea where to start.”

“The Federation has a database of refugees. That’s probably a good place to start.” Zach supplied. “I'll see if I can get you guys access while we’re here.”

Mike looked at him wide-eyed. “You’d do that for us?”

“It’s no problem, really. The database isn't classified. Besides,“ he said quietly, “since they’re not making use of your talents here, you should be able to do something constructive.”

They all stared at him silently, wondering how many of the AQ ‘Fleeters felt that way. Kathryn finally broke the silence, “That’s the Zach I remember. Always looking out for someone… and something to do!” She laughed, giving the others a chance to get their bearing and join along.

“That would be great. I - and several others here - would really appreciate that,” Chakotay jumped in because he could see that Mike was still disconcerted with Zach’s words.

“Maybe you could get Noah Lessing to work with you,” Kathryn suggested. “He’s going to have the same kind of time on his hands as you do. Maybe he can use some other contacts still in Starfleet to help you out.”  _...The Equinox crew are also free. They are still able to connect with Starfleet personnel - it’s not a dishonorable discharge. _

The conversation moved away from coded messages and into more general topics after that. It was soon 2200 hours, and she was getting tired. “Well, folks, it’s been a lot of fun, but I have a bathtub and a good book calling my name.” She got up to leave amongst a hail of ‘Goodnight, Kathryn’ when Chakotay spoke up.

“You’re certainly taking advantage of the lifting of replicator rations.”

She gave him a sly smile. “Of course. It’s time I treated myself, don’t you think? I’ve had a long bath the last two nights… I’m afraid it’s becoming a habit.”

“You must be out of bubble bath by now. I could bring some over if you’d like.” The grin on his face widened.

She shot him a look that quickly turned playful. “Thanks so much for the offer, Chakotay, but since I have no one to hide from I’m only using the bath oils.”

“I could get you some of that, too.” He returned her look with a mischievous one of his own. “What was the scent? Oh, that’s right… Midnight Sun. I might have some packed away with those tomato seeds.”

The playful smile morphed into a naughty look. “Careful Chakotay, I just might take you up on your offer.” With a wink in his direction, she turned and sauntered out of the mess hall… carried out on a peal of laughter from him. He turned back around to the table, chuckling to himself… and was met by four shocked and curious faces.

He shrugged, “She likes baths… says it’s a good place for her to think. See you all later.” He headed out of the mess hall with a smile on his face.

 

“What the hell was that all about?” Zach asked around the table. 

“I’m guessing it has something to do with those two months off duty she mentioned earlier.” said Harry.

“I don’t remember beaming down a bathtub.” This from Mike.

“Forget all that,” broke in Celes. “I want to know how he knows that she uses bubble bath - and which one she uses!”

 

Chakotay’s smile lasted all the way back to his quarters. Although the dinner had started out somewhat awkward, she had eventually loosened up. It had been nice to see her smile and laugh like that. He just hoped that she would take advantage of her ‘off duty’ time to do more of it. He promised himself that he would make sure he did. 

He had forgotten about the bath oil until she mentioned it. He really had saved the last of the bottle when they returned to Voyager. Midnight Sun - the name said it all. The scent was an intoxicating mix of the clean evening breeze with a touch of citrus flower. The two scents so seemingly different, yet seamlessly mixed into a single element - something so uniquely Kathryn with all her faceted sides. 

He’d fallen in love with it as he fell in love with her. Spirits, would she ever forgive him? She’d flirted with him tonight… but was it just a reflex action? Or had she really meant it? He sighed… only time would tell. If it took him the rest of his life to make it up to her, he would do it.

 

Kathryn slipped into her quarters and leaned against the wall. That had been great fun. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been so relaxed, and had so much fun. Perhaps this situation with being relieved of her command was a bit of a gift in disguise. Being able to have a night like that with some of her crew had been wonderful. 

Seeing Zach again was an added bonus - it had given her a small reminder of who she used to be. She needed to thank Chakotay for arranging everything (she had no doubts that he’d had a hand in gathering that particular group of people together). 

Chakotay had been so kind to her tonight. His coded messages to her had been a balm to her soul. How could she ever have thought she could survive without him? She would just have to learn to live with him being with Seven. Come to think of it - where had Seven been? He must have asked her to stay away because of how she felt about their relationship. Crickets! She had been shamelessly flirting with him as she prepared to leave. What would Seven think? Moreover - did she care? 

It was definitely time for that bath. She hadn’t used the Midnight Sun bath oil since she left New Earth. It had been too painful - a reminder of what could have been. Perhaps she would use it tonight…

 

The next two days went by quickly. She spent her days going through her quarters, choosing what she would keep and what she would leave behind. It was amazing how much stuff one could collect in seven years. But, then again, everything they had seen and touched had been new and exotic - she’d wanted to keep any mementos she could. 

Even so, now that they were at the end of their journey, there were items that no longer meant anything to her. She had started a collection of the things that she no longer wanted to keep but that might be of interest to a museum or college. There was no reason to recycle something from another area of the universe just because it no longer appealed to you.

No matter how caught up she would get into sorting and packing, she made a point of arriving at the mess hall each night at 1800 hours. Each time, she found Chakotay with another collection of her crew, and they would have a wonderful time talking and laughing about their adventures. 

Word had gotten around that their Captain had put away her pips, so people felt comfortable confessing the various pranks and mischief that had gone on around her. Seven was never around, and no one ever mentioned her. Kathryn followed suit - mostly because she didn’t want to open that can of worms. Oh, she was intensely curious about the situation, but wasn’t really sure she wanted to know what was happening between the two of them. So, she left it alone and simply enjoyed the fun.

The third day, Kathryn realized that she didn’t want to spend the day alone in her quarters, sifting through her life. Instead, she got dressed in a casual sweater and jeans and headed to the mess hall for breakfast. She ended up spending the entire day there, laughing and chatting with anyone who came through. 

She discovered that Mariah Henley had a wicked sense of humor, Pablo Baytart could juggle almost anything, and that Megan and Jenny Delaney were just as mischievous as Tom Paris but not nearly as ‘loose’ as their reputations. Breakfast became lunch, then dinner - and Chakotay - came around. 

Laughing heartily, he sat down next to her. “When did you become the social butterfly of Voyager?”

She gave him a bright smile. “As soon as I realized I could.”

“It’s nice to see you enjoying yourself like this, Kathryn.” He spoke quietly so nobody else could hear. “I’m glad you gave yourself a chance to.”

“Actually, I owe it all to you.” She gave him a playful shove with her shoulder. “Thank you for dragging me out of my quarters the other day.”

“All part of the service, Madame Captain.” He gave her a mock bow. “My I get m’lady something for her evening meal?” 

This sent her into peals of laughter. Finally, she was able to compose herself enough to tell him that her meal could be his choice. He wandered toward the replicator, murmuring under his breath about leola root surprise.

“Don’t you dare poison me, Chakotay!” The entire room stared at her… and sent her into more peals of laughter. Her good humor lasted through the meal, gathering more crew - Alpha and Delta quadrant alike - around her. 

Finally, she and Mortimer Harren ended up in a lively debate over Schlezholt's Theory and the viability of Wang's Second Postulate. Chakotay, and most of the others around them, had absolutely no clue what they were talking about, but the sight of the two brilliant scientists going at it was captivating.

“I should have realized that Katie Janeway would be the one to understand what the hell that guy talks about all the time.” A voice right next to Chakotay came out of the blue. He turned to see Zach Bentley shaking his head. “Now you see why she messed up the curve for everyone else.”

“What would the curve look like if both Kathryn and Harren were in the same class?” Chakotay laughed back at him.

The other man’s face dropped theatrically, “Crickets! I wouldn’t even want to calculate that! I’m pretty sure that a good half to two-thirds of our class would have failed - or at least taken a semester off so they could be in the class behind the two of them.” The two men laughed together for a moment, then Zach clapped Chakotay on the back. “Let me buy you a drink - I think they’ll be at it for quite a while yet.”

They each grabbed a glass from a replicator, then headed toward a table a little away from the commotion. The two of them chatted for a few minutes until Zach leaned in a little, “Word is that we’ll be under way in a couple more days.”

Chakotay’s eyebrow rose, “Finally giving in to the inevitable, I see.”

Zach chuckled, “Something like that. Let’s just say they’ve finally admitted that they’ve done all they can from here. The counselors have also been insisting that Starfleet cannot keep your Voyagers in this...stasis...for much longer. You’ll probably all get the obligatory meeting with one of them on the journey from here to Earth.”

Chakotay rolled his eyes, “Funny how we can be discredited one minute, but forced to follow protocol when it suits them.” He sighed, “Whatever is fine with me...I just want to get off this ship and as far away from Starfleet as I can.”

“Are you taking her with you?” Zach said pointedly, nodding his head toward Kathryn.

Chakotay studied the man for a moment, then sat back in his chair, fingers idly tracing the rim of his glass. “If she wants to go,” he said quietly. “I’m just not sure she wants to.”

Zach watched him for a long moment. “Oh, she does, my friend… She most definitely does.” He stood up, “I really must be going. I have early duty shift and I have to get some sleep.” He looked over at the dueling scientists. “Let me know who wins, ok?”

Chakotay laughed, “Like I would be able to tell? You’ll have to ask her, yourself!”

“I might just do that… yes, I just might…” He walked out the mess hall doors, leaving Chakotay shaking his head. 


	4. Truth Will Out

Kathryn awoke late the next morning. She couldn’t remember the last time she had done that, and marveled at the fact that simply ‘hanging out’ would be so tiring. As she sipped her first cup of coffee, she decided that she would head to the mess hall again for a quick breakfast.

It was long past a typical breakfast time, and nowhere near lunch, but she was hoping to run into someone who might be interested in a game of tennis or hoverball. So, dressed in a more athletic outfit, she headed out. As luck would have it, the room was empty. She replicated another cup of coffee and bowl of oatmeal with a dollop of peanut butter. Chakotay had laughed at her the first time she’d eaten it in front of him. 

_ She shrugged, “I like peanut butter, and it melts into the oatmeal wonderfully. Besides, it’s a great way to get your protein in without eating Neelix’s eggs! _ She settled down into one of the couches facing the viewports and began to eat.

She was lost in thought, the empty bowl of oatmeal sitting on the coffee table in front of her, when the mess hall doors swished open. “I figured I might find you here,  _ Kathryn. _ ” The familiar voice of Tom Paris announced his presence. He plopped down on the sofa next to her. “Funny how you can spend all this time socializing in here, and never once make it to my quarters to meet my daughter.”

“I’m sorry, Tom. I was worried that I would interrupt her naptime, and I heard that she can be as ornery as her mother.” In truth, although she had been concerned about waking the baby, she wasn’t really sure she wanted to see the two new parents’ bliss over their little bundle of joy.

“Well, she’s awake, now, and asking to see her Aunt Kathryn.” He took her hand and tugged it, “Come on, I’ll show you the way.”

Kathryn resisted, “Tom, I’m not sure this is the right time. I was waiting to see if someone was interested in playing hoverball.”

Tom made a show of looking around the empty room. “Unless you were planning on playing with a ghost, I think you can spare a few minutes for my daughter.” He tugged on her hand again. “Remember, since you’ve made such a point of being off duty, I am within my rights to drag you down the hallway.” Kathryn sighed. There would be no way out of this.

Walking into Tom and B’Elanna’s quarters, she was struck by the comforting smell of a baby. She couldn’t put her finger on where the smell came from - baby powder? lotion? a mix of the two? - but it was wonderful - and heartbreaking - just the same. 

Once inside the door, she hesitated again. At some point in their journey, she’d put away the idea of having a child of her own - especially now that Chakotay was ‘otherwise occupied’. She couldn’t resist the smiling B’Elanna who held out the little bundle for her to hold.

One look at the scrunched up little face and Kathryn was lost. She had Tom’s blue eyes and a lighter shade of B’Elanna’s coloring. The most precious part, though, was the tiny set of small, faint ridges that decorated the child’s forehead. 

“Hello, little Voyager,” she murmured to the baby. She rubbed her forehead gently against Miral’s ridges, making the baby coo. “Welcome to our Voyager family. I’m your Aunt Kathryn.” She continued to whisper to the baby for a few moments more, until B’Elanna cleared her throat.

“Kathryn, I’d like you to meet Miral  _ Kathryn _ Paris.” She smiled and looked at Kathryn pointedly.

“You named her after me?” Kathryn said softly. “Wh...why would you do that?”

“Because without you, she would never have been born. “You’re the reason we met, the reason B’Elanna and I are who we are today.”

Kathryn shook her head, “You met because I stranded you all 70,000 years from home… And any changes in each of you were done by you - not me.”

“As far as we’re concerned, that trip through the Delta Quadrant was a blessing. The changes were made possible by a captain whose belief and trust in each of us never wavered.”

Kathryn looked back down at the baby, trying desperately to hide her tears. “Thank you, I don’t deserve it, but thank you.” She spent the next hour or so cooing and talking to the baby - the presence of her parents forgotten. 

The parents didn’t mind because it gave them a small break. B’Elanna took a long shower. Tom made the bed while he watched a show on the TV his wife had made for him.

Tom looked at his wife. “What the hell is she saying to Miral?” 

B’Elanna laughed quietly. “I think Kathryn is teaching our daughter the finer points of quantum physics.”

Miral began to fuss, breaking the spell between Kathryn and the baby. Kathryn sighed. “It’s time to hand you back to your mother. I can do many things for you, little one, but feeding you is not one of them.”

As B’Elanna settled down to feed Miral, she took a good look at Kathryn. “I never realized how good you are with children. I think you’ve just found yourself a second career as our permanent babysitter.”

“I’ve always loved children. When Naomi was little, I used to ask Sam to let me rock her during nap time.” Her eyes got a faraway look. “I loved that time. Such a break from being captain.” She roused herself, “I’ll keep that job offer on the back burner. I might need it.”

A knowing look passed between the couple… apparently the rumors were true. “I’m sure there are plenty of things waiting for you at home… and here on board… if you accept them.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kathryn looked between the two parents.

“They aren’t together anymore.” B’Elanna said quietly. “It took all of about three days after we got here for the relationship to end.”

Kathryn froze. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she stammered. “Who broke up?”

B’Elanna rolled her eyes. “Chakotay and Seven, of course.”

Kathryn pretended to focus on Miral’s burp cloth so she didn’t have to look up. “How did you know about that?”

B’Elanna scoffed, “There really isn’t any way to keep a secret on a ship this size - especially when your husband is the town gossip.”

“And you think this matters to me because…?”

“Because that man has been pining for you for years.” Tom said spitefully. “ Because you are now ‘off duty’ as you’re so fond of saying these days, those protocols you hold so dear shouldn’t be an issue.”

Kathryn saw red. Is that what they thought of her? That she’d led Chakotay around by the nose, using his feelings for her to make him do what she wanted? Finally, Tom had given her the opportunity to speak… and she sure as hell was going to say what she had hoped to say all those years ago. 

She stood slowly, pulling herself up into her full command posture, she crossed her arms across her chest and glared at them. “I am not at liberty to discuss the nature of any relationship I may, or may not, have with Chakotay.” She spat her words at them. “And, for the record, it was not me who invoked that little nugget of a protocol.” 

She moved toward the door. “Thank you for a wonderful morning, and for sharing your beautiful daughter with me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have other places to be right now.” She stood between the doors for a moment, holding them open, to relay the message she had waited five years to convey, “Keep in mind that protocols go both ways.” She stepped the rest of the way into the hall, letting the doors swish shut behind her.

 

B’Elanna looked at her husband, “Tom, what the hell just happened?”

“I’m not really sure.” He shook his head. “What I am sure of is that my dad is going to answer a few important questions.” He headed toward their communicator viewscreen. 

Tom and his father had slowly been working on mending their fences from the years before Voyager.  The process had been stalled due to the prolonged time Voyager and her crew had spent hanging in space. But asking his dad was much easier, and less time-consuming, than trying to read through all the protocols in Starfleet’s manual.

Owen Paris had a smile on his face when he answered Tom’s hail. “How is my beautiful granddaughter doing? Is she awake?” He looked around the background to see if he could see her somewhere.

“B’Elanna just put her down, sorry.”

The older man sighed, “Just my luck. So what can I do for you, son?”

“I need information on Starfleet protocols.”

“Protocols? Whatever for?... Please don’t tell me you’re planning on breaking any rules… I’ve read the logs - I know what mischief you’ve been up to out there.” He said with a grin. To the older man’s credit, he had found the sense of humor needed when dealing with his son.

Tom laughed. “I’m not planning anything, Dad, I promise. I need information about protocols relating to relationships between senior officers.”

Owen gave him a serious look, “If you’re worried about you and B’Elanna, don’t. Katie officially overruled that when she married you.”

Tom was speechless. Overruled the protocol? He’d never even given it a thought - hadn’t even realized the marriage between him and his wife would be considered illegal here in the AQ. 

But their captain had. They’d never made their relationship a secret. She could have reprimanded them immediately - even forced one of them to step down from their position if they insisted on staying together. 

“Er… ah… it’s not that - although thank you for that reassurance. I was actually wondering about how one officer could be banned from speaking about the nature of a relationship between two officers. Is that a part of that protocol?”

Owen, sat back in his seat and gave Tom a long look. “Wellll.... not technically, no. It kind of runs alongside of it.”

“Alongside?”

“It has to do with sexual harassment protocols.” Tom’s jaw dropped. Owen went on hesitantly - as if he didn’t want to talk about the subject. “You know that a senior officer cannot approach a subordinate and initiate a relationship.” Tom nodded. “Well, in order to avoid additional harassment from others on the crew, the senior officer is banned from making relationship comments of any kind regarding the… ah… object of their affection - aside from reporting the situation to their superior, or speaking in confidence with a counselor, of course”

Tom was dumbfounded. All these years of blaming her. Now they find out that, not only was it Chakotay that had broken off the relationship, but he had forced her into silence. She couldn’t talk to anyone about her feelings, nor had she even been able to defend herself when the crew believed it was her fault that the two of them were not together.

“Tom!” He’d forgotten his dad was still on the comm. “Are you OK? It looked like your mind was lost back out in the DQ.”

“Sorry, Dad.. I guess you could say that it was.”

His father gave him a searching look, “What’s going on?”

“Look, I have to let you go - I have some wrongs to make right.”

“OK, but let me know if I can help.” He leaned in close to the monitor, “She’s like a daughter to me.” He cut the transmission.

“He’s a petaQ!” came B’Elanna’s voice from behind him. “Stay here with Miral.” She headed for the doors leading out of their quarters. “I have a tattooed, demented idiot to straighten out.” With that, she was out the door. He heard her mutter ‘QI'yaH’ as she strode down the hallway. He shook his head… It was entirely possible that the ‘tattooed, demented idiot’ would find himself shoved out an airlock.

~~~~~~~

Kathryn was at a loss of what to do. She’d quickly become accustomed to ‘hanging out’ with members of the crew. Her conversation with Tom and B’Elanna had put a spin on that, though. She was sure that Tom would spare no time in spreading the news of her… comments… to them. Facing the questions, the looks (oh, crickets - the apologies!) was more than she felt like dealing with right now.

She didn’t want to head back to her quarters, though. She had entirely too much adrenaline running through her system at the moment to be able to sit still. Perhaps she could play that game of tennis she’d been thinking about with a holocharacter.

An idea came to her - one that would take care of two things at once. She would invite Seven to a velocity match.

She found Seven and Icheb working on his academy studies in hopes that he would still be able to attend. Seven stood when Kathryn entered the cargo bay, “Hello, Captain.”

“Hello Seven - please call me Kathryn. I’m off duty.” She looked over at Icheb where he was still standing at the computer. “You too, Icheb. There’s no longer a need for a title between us.”

“On the contrary.” There was a slight pause as Seven prepared herself to use Kathryn’s name. “Icheb is not of the age to use the first name of an adult.”

“He’s 17 years old, Seven. I think we can cut him a little slack.”

“Regardless of my current age, you are of an older generation Captain. It would be disrespectful of me to refrain from using a title of respect, such as Miss Janeway.”

Kathryn felt she couldn’t refute his logic, but was not happy with being called Miss Janeway by any of her crew (or anyone else, for that matter!). “I’m not comfortable with you addressing me like that. It does not denote the… relationship… the… history… of our… association.” Kathryn struggled to find the proper words that would be easily accepted by the two former drones. “Naomi Wildman - and Q Junior, for that matter - refer to me as ‘Aunt Kathryn’. Perhaps you could call me that, as well.”

Both of them nodded. “That would be an acceptable compromise. I will now refer to you as ‘Aunt Kathryn’.”

Kathryn breathed a small sigh of relief. “Well, now that that’s settled...” She turned to address Seven. “I was hoping you would be interested in a game of Velocity.”

“I am sorry, but I am scheduled to assist Icheb with his studies until 1500, then I have agreed to play Kadis-Kat with Naomi Wildman until 1630.”

Kathryn was disappointed about the loss of the game partner, but she found she still wanted to spend some time with the young woman. “Perhaps dinner, then?” 

Seven actually seemed to blush. “I… also have dinner plans… Kathryn. I am meeting Lieutenant Goronski of the Excelsior on the holodeck at 1730.”

Kathryn was surprised - she wouldn’t have expected Seven to try something like a romantic relationship again so soon. It had taken her… how long? After breaking William Chapman’s arm before she and Chakotay got together. She smiled at Seven. “It’s wonderful to hear that you are branching out of Voyager’s little village. Starfleet has no issues with… ah.... romantic interactions between our crew and those of the other ships around us?”

The young woman stared at her. “Why would Starfleet have anything to do with personal relationships?”

“There are certain situations where Starfleet does have protocols prohibiting that type of interaction. While, technically, none of those can be applied here, there still might be concern about the nature of our interactions with crewmembers from the other ships around us.”

Seven gave her a thoughtful look. “You mean, because of Voyager’s current status. I will ask Bert during dinner.”

“I think that would be a wise course of action, Seven. Now that we are interacting with others outside of the bubble Voyager has been traveling in, there might be different ways that situations are handled here. You might want to check with myself, or one of the other Voyagers until you have a deeper understanding of those differences.”

“Thank you, Kathryn.” Seven nodded. “I will take that under advisement.”

“You are very welcome, Seven. I hope you have a wonderful time. Now, If you’ll excuse me, I must resume my search for an opponent - velocity, tennis, hoverball - whatever you think they can win!” She exited the cargo bay letting the forced laughter fall behind her.

 

Chakotay sat in his darkened quarters with his head in his hands. He’d received a visit from an extremely angry Klingon, who had passed through his doorway yelling. “You miserable petaQ!” Then proceeded to dump every one of her leftover postpartum hormones, followed by every gram of Klingon DNA she possessed, on him. She’d called him every name in the Klingon language, then Standard, and he was pretty sure she’d included a few she’d learned in the DQ.

 

_ “All those times one of us pointed out to her how she had loosened or dropped a protocol, trying to get her to see that she could drop the one that was stopping the two of you being together, and now we find out that it was YOU who was the problem! Not her!” _

_ “You pointed out the fact that she broke protocols?” he asked weakly. _

_ “YES! Kahless, we HOUNDED her! For YEARS we have thought she was leading you on, treating you like you were a lost puppy! What’s even worse - she couldn’t even talk to anyone about it!” _

_ “She must have said something to Tuvok at some point.” He tried again. _

_ “I can tell you for a FACT that she didn’t! He backed us up a few times! Even a Vulcan saw the insanity of the situation.” _

_ “You have to understand, B’Elanna. Seska…” _

_ “Oh, don’t you even try to put her in the same category as that bitch of a traitor. Seska was a fucking Cardassian - Kathryn is a human woman who has been left all alone for seven years. One who loves you so much that she waited for you for all that time - only to have you throw it all away with a Borg! Her protege, for Kahless sakes! Possibly the only kind of a child she will ever have the chance to have!” _

_ That cut to the quick. His head was hanging so low, he might as well have laid down on the floor. B’Elanna went on for what seemed like forever, pounding him into the sand repeatedly. Finally, she gave him her own Klingon version of Kathryn’s death glare. “Fix it Chakotay. Just… fix it.” Then she stormed out of his quarters. _

He’d been there ever since. His mind wheeling in circles. He would love nothing more than to ‘fix it’ as B’Elanna had ordered him to do, but he had no idea how. He could announce to the crew what he’d done and take whatever abuse they wished to dish out to him as punishment, but he wasn’t entirely sure Kathryn even wanted this situation to be common knowledge. He could throw himself down at her feet and beg her forgiveness. He suspected she would have given it to him, if there wasn’t also the whole debacle of his attempted relationship with Seven standing between them.

All he could think to do was continue on as he had been - pulling her out of her Captain’s shell, reminding her - and himself - what they had been to each other at one time. Giving her everything he could, so she would never have to face anything alone again. Somehow, there would be a time when his apology would mean something - when he had given her enough that she once more trusted his words. That was the only way he could think to ‘fix it’.

Too embarrassed to be in public, he replicated himself some soup and tried his best to get it down - and keep it there.

 

Kathryn was sitting in her chair, turned toward the large viewport of her quarters, feet resting on the sill. There was an open book in front of her, but she was looking out at the stars. Always in her past, she had enjoyed the refractive qualities of the transparent aluminum which cut the ambient light from the close moons and suns, therefore maximizing the light from more distant stars. 

When a ship was stationary, like it would be docked at a space station or dry dock, she would entertain herself by creating imaginary new constellations. At warp, they streaked by as ribbons of light, creating a mesmerizing display. In the DQ, she had often stared out a viewport at them, enjoying the meditative qualities as she worked through the dilemma of the week. Now, they simply mocked her - reminding her of all the broken promises.

In the early years of their journey, the promise that one of the new entities and phenomenons they had come across would provide them a quick and easy way home. Later, when she and Chakotay had been left behind on New Earth, the promise of a new life with him had given her new hopes. When they left New Earth behind, Chakotay’s promises had strengthened her. Regular contact with Starfleet had brought about the promise that every member of her crew was recognized as official members of Starfleet, and due all the respect and benefits that went along with it. 

Now, they hung dead in space. In the AQ, but not really  _ home _ \- all the promises crashed into pieces around her. Half her crew discredited, Chakotay lost to her, no easy way home, her ship dismantled. All the battles they had fought and won, the things they had faced alone. They no longer seemed worth the trouble - the sacrifice. Caught up trying to return to a world that no longer had a place for her, all she had left was broken promises. The only thing keeping her going was her own personal promise - she would get her crew  _ home _ .

She sighed and closed her book - it was pointless to have it open. She hadn’t been reading it the entire time she had been sitting there. She slowly got up from her chair - every muscle in her body hurt and she was bruised from head to toe. She’d tired herself out on the holodeck, playing a variety of games against a large selection of holo-characters. 

Parisses squares had led to tennis, then hoverball, culminating in a velocity tournament. In a continued attempt to wear herself out so she didn’t have to think, Kathryn was considering trying out Chakotay’s boxing program when the warning alarm signalled 15 minutes left on her time. Still wanting to avoid interaction with anyone, she quickly exited the holodeck and nearly raced to her quarters.

But, why was she so afraid of seeing anyone? For five years, she had wanted to tell her side of the story. She’d wanted the crew to know that the situation wasn’t her doing. She’d wanted to stop the constant insinuations of her reluctance to ease some protocols, while holding tightly to others. Hell, she’d even suspected Tuvok’s statements once or twice! 

Why did it upset her, now? Kathryn’s head dropped. Because it was no longer a driving force - it was a weakness. A captain hell-bent on getting home so she could participate in a torrid romance with her first officer. Someone who had lied to her about his intentions - his feelings for her. Who had gotten involved with someone else. 

Crickets, she was a fool of the worst sort - one who trusted everyone’s promises to her without question or caution. That naively misplaced trust had landed them where they were now - stuck in space, still light years away from home. She had to gather herself back together, and until she was able to do that, she couldn’t face them. 

Kathryn was considering the options of calling it an early night and going straight to bed, taking a hot bath to ease her sore body, or contacting sick bay - hopefully reaching the Doctor - to get an analgesic and dermal regenerator, when her door chime sounded. It was probably Chakotay wanting to check on her - she fully expected B’Elanna to have headed straight for him after she left the Paris-Torres quarters. 

Of all the crew, he was the one she least wanted to see. She let the chime go unanswered - he could no longer get into her quarters, and she would not be answering his hails anytime soon. The chime rang again - she ignored it again. After the third time, she was ready to tell the computer to place her quarters on privacy lock and silence the chime. 

*Bentley to Janeway*

Zach? He wasn’t crew - probably didn’t know anything about what was going on. Was she hiding from  _ everybody _ ? Or just Voyagers? She was still mulling over that idea, when the hail came again.

*Zach to Katie - I know you can hear me.* There was a little sarcastic humor mixed into his words.

She sighed. Talking to him might distract her from what was currently rolling around in her mind. She tapped her badge. *Go ahead, Zach. What can I do for you?*

*Well, you can open your door, for one. Then you can agree to eat dinner with me while we share the bottle of wine I have in my hand.*

Wine sounded like a good idea - it would ease her mind’s somersaults and her body’s aches. Zach’s company was appealing, too. “Come in.” 

She was met with a wide smile and a bottle of zinfandel. “Picard 2360 - goes great with anything, or just by itself if you’re so inclined.” 

Yep, Kathryn thought, she needed to spend time with someone not her crew. She smiled back at Zach, “I doubt it would look good for you to be wandering the halls of Voyager in a drunken stupor. I guess I should feed you something.” She turned toward her replicator. “What’ll it be?”

“Um, Katie? I’ve heard you aren’t very good with replicators. Perhaps I should place the order?”

“I’ll have you know that my replicator and I have gotten along just fine for the past several weeks!” She looked over her shoulder at him and smiled mischievously. “Just for that - I won’t even let you pick your meal!”

The meal continued in the same joking vein. Aside from the small amount of tutoring, Kathryn hadn’t spent much time with Zach while they were at the Academy together. She hadn’t been aware of his scathing sense of humor - or dirty mind. It had been a long time since anyone felt comfortable enough with her to tease her in that vein. By unspoken rule, conversations of that nature were avoided between her and Chakotay - it was simply too dangerous.

Kathryn began to get the feeling that Zach had another reason for being in her quarters. ‘Is he flirting with me? Is that the reason why his humor has been so brazen?’ If that was the case, she needed to nip this in the bud quickly. The last thing she needed was another complication of a romantic nature.

“Katie…”

“Zach...” They both spoke at once. Still uncertain of Zach’s true purpose of being there, she waved to him to continue.

He took a deep breath. “Katie, I want to thank you for letting me tease you like I have been. I haven’t had that… freedom… since my wife died.”

Kathryn was relieved she hadn’t gone first. The awkwardness would have killed her. She touched his arm gently, “I wasn’t even aware that you were married, Zach. I’m so sorry you lost her.”

He laid his hand over hers, “It’s alright, Katie. It was early on in the war. I’ve come to terms with it.” He patted her hand and leaned back in his seat, giving her a wicked smile, “But I still miss the banter.” 

She leaned back as well. “I guess we both just needed to let off some steam tonight. It’s really been fun just to let go and chat with an old friend, instead of someone I’m trying to turn into a friend.”

“Your Voyagers are a quirky bunch, I’ll give you that!” he laughed. “I can’t believe some of the things they pulled off!”

“We had to entertain ourselves, somehow!” She shrugged her shoulders sarcastically. She got up to clean off the table. “Is there any wine left, or should I recycle the bottle?”

“Oh, no, we emptied that a long time ago. Recycle away.” His response was accentuated by a flourish of his hand. As Kathryn carried the bottle to the recycler, Zach checked the time. “Goodness! I didn’t realize how much fun I would have talking to you! I have to get back to my ship - I’ve got early duty call.”

Kathryn got a faraway look in her eyes, “It’s crazy, but I miss that… structure… to my life. ‘Gotta get to bed, ‘cause I gotta get up’ just isn’t happening right now. As often as I wished for a break during the last seven years, I expected to be ‘sleeping in’ at Lake George - not here.”

He took a hesitant breath, “Wellll… you may just get that chance soon.” 

She looked at him sharply, the plates she had just picked up from the table still hovering over it. “What do you mean?” 

He looked back at her, apology written all over his face. “I have a confession to make… I had a second reason for coming here tonight.” He took another deep breath. “It’s not common knowledge, but we’re getting underway tomorrow.”

“Oh?” She spoke hesitantly. “What time?”

“1000 hours. They want to bring the warp engines online at 0800, then give them a chance to get warmed up before they get moving.”

She turned away, busying herself with recycling the plates and other dishes she had already placed near the replicator so he couldn’t see the single tear slip down her face. She knew what he was so gently trying to say. If she was to be involved with Voyager’s movements in any capacity, she would have been notified this morning of a duty call for tomorrow. 

But she had heard nothing… meaning that she would not even be expected (would she even be  _ allowed _ ?) on the bridge as Voyager made the triumphant final leg of its journey back to Earth. When the dishes had all been recycled, her hands were free to wipe the tear from her face. She gave herself another moment to compose her expression, then turned back to face him.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to her. “If it isn’t common knowledge, why do you know? I’ve never heard you talk about what you do. What exactly is your position?”

“I’m afraid to tell you now.” He looked away.

“Why the hell would you be afraid to tell me what your position is?” She was incredulous. “What are you, Section 31?”

“No!” He shook his head. “Although I think you would, perhaps, trust me more than you will if I tell you the truth.”

Kathryn crossed her arms in front of her, “Well, now you’re going to have to tell me. And, for the record, trust is an overrated, overused word. It has no meaning to me anymore.”

Zach gave her a hard look. “Katie, I need you to understand that absolutely everything I have said and done has been honest and above-board. Never once have I done anything with an ulterior motive.” He sighed deeply. “I am engineering advisor and primary aide to Admiral Kawaoki.”

Kathryn’s mind went blank. “Admiral…?” She tried to process what he had just said.

“...Kawaoki.” 

“But he’s…” She looked at him in shock.

He nodded apologetically. “...the man who shut down your ship, segregated your crew, and… is trying his best to discredit you.” He finished for her in a quiet voice.

She sat there with her mouth hanging open in shock. “Zach?”

“Please, Katie. You have to believe me. I never did anything underhanded with regards to Voyager. I never lied to you or spied on you or your crew. I never told him any of the secrets I may have heard. I used some of what I saw and heard here to try to get him to change his mind, but that’s it. I promise you, that’s all I did.”

There it was, again.  _ Promise _ . One word - just one simple word - that had brought her world down around her knees. Her eyes went cold, her spine straightened, and her voice went low and deadly. “I don’t have the greatest track record with promises, Zach. Yours has come one broken promise too late. Thank you for the information, but I think we are done here.”

“Katie, please…”

“Goodnight, Zach. Enjoy the flight home.” She turned on her heel and stalked into her bedroom, leaving the man standing dumbfounded in the middle of the room. 


	5. Losing the Captain

*Kim to Chakotay* 

Chakotay grumbled and rolled over. He hadn’t gotten much sleep that night, and wasn’t interested in anything beyond his pillow at the moment. Besides, he was ‘off duty’ as Kathryn was so fond of saying. He didn’t have to answer the hail - and wasn’t in the mood to.

*Ensign Kim to Commander Chakotay* 

That got his attention. Why had Harry used his old title? Something was wrong. 

He located his communicator on his nightstand and tapped it. “Chakotay here. What’s up Harry?”

*Commander, I’m sorry if I woke you, but I’d appreciate it if you came down to the mess hall. There’s a… situation… that might need your attention.*

‘Commander’, again. ‘A situation that needs attention?’ He jumped out of bed. Something was seriously wrong.

Chakotay arrived in the mess hall to find a rather large group of Voyagers milling around - all with angry frowns on their faces - some actually grumbling out loud. ‘What the hell?’ was something he picked up a lot. Followed by ‘How dare they?’

He scanned the room, but could find no signs of Harry. Suddenly Mike Ayala was in front of him.

“Chakotay! Thank God you’re here.”

“Mike, what the hell is going on here?”

The other man took a breath, “Voyager is getting underway in an hour, and nobody can find the Captain.”

“She’s probably on the bridge, Mike. Relax. Why the ruckus over that?”

Ayala shook his head. “You don’t understand - she’s not on the bridge. It was Clint Miller who alerted us to the situation. Nobody knows where she is.”

“Mike, what the hell? Get Seven to scan for her. Why is everyone so crazy?”

Mike took a quick look around him. “Mariah - go and get Chakotay a cup of coffee - cream and two sugars.” She nodded and hurried away, returning in less than a minute with the hot beverage. “Drink this. Then we’ll talk.”

Chakotay took a few healthy swigs, then looked at Mike, head a little clearer with the shot of caffeine making its way through his synapses. “OK, fill me in, but start at the beginning.”

“Harry got the order this morning to fire up the warp engines because we are getting underway this morning. When Clint got the news, he realized the Captain was not on the bridge. He asked Seven to run a scan for her, thinking she may just be in her ready room or the conference room for a final meeting. 

Seven found the Captain’s badge in her quarters, but not her bio-signs. Icheb came to the mess hall to find out if anyone knew anything but, of course, none of us do. Zach Bentley came through a few minutes later for a cup of coffee, and Chell asked him if he knew where the Captain was...”

“And?” Chakotay prodded.

“Chel says Zach went white as a sheet and hurried out without answering.” 

Chakotay rubbed his hand over his face. He needed more coffee. Signaling to Mike to come along, he headed over to the replicator. He ordered an entire pot and looked for a table, which miraculously cleared when the others realized who it was. They needed Chakotay to fix it. He always fixed things where their captain was concerned. It was woven into the entire fabric of their lives: the Captain saved her ship and her crew; the Commander saved the Captain. 

Chakotay, on the other hand, was not feeling very optimistic. What the hell was he supposed to do? At the moment, he was essentially a non-person here. He considered himself lucky that he wasn’t in the brig. Nobody of any importance was going to answer his questions - if they even accepted his hail in the first place!

“Has Tom tried to reach his father?”

“All Admiral Paris will say is that there were no meetings scheduled that would require her to be in attendance, and that he wasn’t aware of any plans to have her removed from the ship.”

“Plans to  _ remove her from the ship _ ? That sounds suspiciously like there was actually a conversation about that at some point.” 

“That’s what we thought, too.”

Chakotay tapped his communicator. “Chakotay to Seven of Nine.”

*Seven here, Commander.*

When did everyone go back to using titles? “Seven, have the engineers altered any of the astrometrics systems?”

There was a pause as the former drone processed the underlying meaning of his words. *Not to any level that would alter its basic functionality.* Chakotay crossed his fingers that Seven would have gotten the entire message he’d tried to send, and waited for a moment to give her a chance to scan the other ships and report where she’d found the captain. *Seven to Commander Chakotay* 

He breathed a sigh of relief - she had understood! “Go ahead Seven.”

*Commander, I have tested the systems and they seem to be working fine, but something is missing. I will continue testing until I have located the problem.*

“Thank you, Seven. Chakotay out.” He turned to look at Mike - face white as a sheet. “She’s not on Voyager - or any of the other ships. Are all three of them still here? Are we missing any shuttles?”

“All three starships are still here with us.” Chell broke into the conversation. “Starfleet took all our shuttles, but I don’t know if any of the other ships are missing one.”

“Find out.”

Chell nodded. “Aye, sir.”

They tried every option they could think of to find their Captain, but to no avail. Captain Janeway was gone. Without a trace. Finally Harry, as the one remaining officer from the senior staff, contacted Admiral Kawaoki on the bridge and asked for a meeting to discuss the whereabouts of Captain Janeway. He appeared in the mess hall, looking puzzled and slightly panicked.

“Commander, the Admiral assures me that they have done nothing with her. Admiral Paris asked around after talking to Tom, but Admiral Kawaoki says they honestly thought it was a delay tactic on our part.” He shook his head. “I’d like to think that I’ve developed a pretty good lie detector over the years, and I’m inclined to believe what he says. As I was leaving his office, he was asking Clint to contact Starfleet Command.”

Chakotay stared at the younger man. Harry was right. After spending so many years hanging out with Tom, Harry had developed a very strong bullshit detector. They spent the next hour trying to track her actions from the previous day. By this time Tom and B’Elanna had joined the group in the mess hall. They skipped around any details of the conversation that had taken place in their quarters, and simply mentioned that she might have been a ‘little out of sorts’ when she left.

Icheb, who had remained in the mess hall after delivering Seven’s message from earlier in the morning, supplied the information about her visit to the cargo bay. Pablo Baytart had seen her exiting the holodeck as he was on his way for his workout. She had left the program running, so he was able to confirm that she had ended up playing at least one game of velocity.

That was the last anybody had seen of her. When she didn’t show up for dinner, they had all simply assumed that she was caught up in packing, or a book, or a bath (this last one said with a small touch of humor from Tom).

Chakotay was on the verge of panic when a voice came from behind him. “I had dinner with her in her quarters. I was there until around 2300.” He looked around to see Zach Bentley, who was wearing an expression of worry equal to anyone else in the room. 

Doing his best to keep down the jealousy trying hard to bubble up within him - _They had dinner? In her quarters? Until 2300_? _-_ Zach was an old friend - they could have simply lost track of time talking. He asked, “How did she look when you left?”

Zach looked extremely uncomfortable, “She… umm… wasn’t in the best mood…”

“Wasn’t in the best…? Zach - what the hell do you mean?”

“Chakotay, can we talk in private for a minute?” Zach looked somewhat panicked.

The others moved away while Zach took a seat next to Chakotay, moving in close. “Chakotay, I went to her quarters for dinner, so I could tell her about us getting underway this morning. I suspected she would be upset and I wanted her to be prepared.”

“Let me guess - she was a little upset.” 

“She tried to hide it but, yes, she was… very… upset.” Zach took a deep breath and pushed on. “Then, to make matters worse, we had a… disagreement… I guess you could say. When I left she was more than a little upset.”

“What the hell did you  _ disagree _ about?”

Zach shook his head. “Ask me later. I’m not about to add fuel to the fire.” He grabbed Chakotay’s arm. “Chakotay, you’ve  _ got _ to find her!”

“What the hell do you think I’m doing?” He hissed back.

“You don’t understand. Kawaoki is starting to insinuate that she took a spacewalk - without an environmental suit.”

Chakotay stared at him in shock. Kathryn blow herself out an airlock? Never! He’d seen her despondent a few times after a particularly difficult situation - Joe Carey’s death had hit her hard - but she usually took a little time to herself and… That was it! He suspected that there might be at least one person on the crew who had no idea what was going on. He slapped his comm badge. “Commander Chakotay to Harren.”

There was a slight pause, then *Harren here.*

“Mort… is everything… accounted for?”

Again, a slight pause. *Let me check* Chakotay waited what seemed like a year until Harren’s voice came through again. *Yes, Commander. All items locked in and accounted for.*

Chakotay nearly cried with relief - she was OK. “Thanks, Mort. It seems like you’re not aware of the hubbub up here. We’ve been searching for that all morning.”

*My apologies, Commander. It was locked in before I came on duty. And you’re right - I had no idea you needed it.*

“It’s quite all right, Harren. It hadn’t even occurred to me to check in with you until now. Stand by for a minute.”

*Aye, Sir.*

Chakotay searched around the room for the face of someone he could trust. Harry would probably have been his first choice, but had returned to Engineering. Tom… Tom would be perfect! The man could bluff his way out of a Cardassian prison - and was nearly as protective of Kathryn as he was. Yes, Tom was just what was needed here.

“Paris! Come here!” Tom started at the barked order, but headed for the table without question.

“I’ll get out of your way…” Zach moved to stand.

“No, you stay here, too.”

“What’s up, Boss?” Tom said as he took a seat on the other side of Chakotay.”

“Listen, both of you.” He spoke in a very low voice so the rest of the room wouldn't be able to hear him. “I know where Kathryn is.” He grabbed Tom’s arm before the young man could let out the wild hoot he saw coming. “Wait! She is where she is because she is intensely… overwrought. I’m going to go check on her, but I may not be back immediately, and I will not be available - or traceable - while I’m gone. I need the two of you to keep your respective parties calm, and cover for me while I’m out of the picture.” He turned his attention back to the open comm line with Harren.

“Mort - are you still there?”

*Yes, Commander.*

“Tom, if it comes down to it and you need me to come back, Harren will know where I am. Mort, you have my permission to inform Tom Paris of my general position. No one else.” He looked Zach pointedly. “Chakotay out.”

“Zach, if you see anything boiling over, go to Tom. The two of you can figure out the best course of action. Tom, I need you to make it seem as if I am here.” He took off his badge and handed it to the pilot. “Pretend I’m so angry I can’t talk to anyone, or whatever bullshit you want to spread.”

“Chakotay, you have to tell everyone that she’s been located.” This, from Zach. “The panic going around is going to end up getting very ugly, very soon.” 

“You’re right. I’ll tell the crew. You tell Starfleet. I need you to gloss over the idea of how upset she really is - the place where she is tells me that she is  _ very _ upset. Tell them whatever you want - she’s meditating - hiking the Himalayas on the holodeck - whatever. Just make sure you and Tom keep working together to keep up the cover.” He looked at both men. “Please… for Kathryn… please do your best to keep her secrets.”

With that, he got up from his seat and stood on his chair, then called the room to quiet. “Listen up, everyone. Kathryn has been located.” 

His announcement was met with several cheers, followed immediately by _ ‘Is she alright?’ ‘Does Starfleet have her?’ ‘Is she on board?’ _

He held up his hand to cut off the questions. “Yes, she’s still on board Voyager. No, Starfleet does not ‘have her’. As far as I know she is alright. I’m heading out now to check on her status.”

He was interrupted by another chorus of ‘Where is she?’

He shook his head. “That’s her secret - one that I will not share without her permission. Let’s just say that she is somewhere that she goes when she… needs space and… time to herself.” He did his best to avoid announcing to everyone that she was also extremely upset. 

‘Is she coming back?’ came the next question. Damn! He didn’t know how to answer that. He wasn’t really sure that Kathryn would ‘come back’ in the sense they were referring to. Finally, he settled on “When she’s ready.”

He caught the looks of understanding and comprehension on several faces - mostly from engineering personnel. During times when the ship had been badly damaged, she had often stepped in to assist there. They had had more opportunity to work closely with her and get to know her a little better than some of the other crew, and were able to read between the lines of his statement. That was probably a good thing - they would be able to help Tom keep the others from worrying too much.

“I’m leaving now and will be out of communication for the time being. Tom Paris will be coordinating with Starfleet through Zach Bentley - I think most of you know him - from the Excelsior. You may, quietly, inform our other Voyagers who are on duty around the ship. Please tell them to remain calm and carry on as if all is well. Tom will make sure they are kept in the loop if there are any changes.” 

He looked at Tom for confirmation of his orders. Tom nodded curtly. He turned back to the crew assembled in front of him. “I cannot stress enough that you all must remain calm. Everything is being taken care of.” With that, he stepped down from his chair. After a serious look at Tom and Zach, he headed out the doors of the mess hall.

 


	6. Cubbyhole

Once inside the turbolift, he gave himself a chance to breathe. Spirits bless Mortimer Harren! Many years ago, Kathryn had shown Chakotay her secret space on deck 15, at the bottom of the ship. It was a small pocket with a rounded concave viewport at the bottom of it. Originally meant for visual observation of the outer hull, it had never been used - one of the first things B’Elanna and Harry had worked on was to increase the ship’s hull sensors to the point that visual observation was unnecessary. 

He wasn’t even sure if anyone had ever known about the space at all. B’Elanna knew her engines, Harry - his ship’s operations, Tom - his helm controls, and himself - he knew the crew and their captain. Kathryn - she knew her  _ ship _ . 

From the moment she knew that she would be assigned to Voyager, Kathryn had studied every inch of it, pouring over the blueprints until every nook and cranny was a part of her. He suspected she could have been dumped somewhere in the bowels of the ship and find her way out through the jeffries tubes, blindfolded.

When she showed him her space, she had cautioned him about how important it was to her.  _ “I’m showing you this as a courtesy to my First Officer. It is very special to me, and I would prefer you keep it a secret. When I am here, please think of me as unconscious in sick bay where you would only have the Doctor wake me in a true emergency. My bio-signs will be masked - I won’t show up on any scans - and my badge will be found in my quarters.” _

There had already been a few instances where someone had been removed from the ship without anyone’s knowledge, and Chakotay had balked at not being able to scan for her in an emergency. Finally, they reached a compromise: she installed a lock on the hatch. If she was in there, the latch would be locked and a small status light glowed red. Otherwise, the hatch would remain unlocked, and a different status light would glow green.

After he had run down to deck 15 in a panic a few times, Mort Harren had come to see him.  _ “I know she goes down there - I know when she’s there.” _

Chakotay hadn’t even tried to play dumb - Harren was the last person to try that with.  _ “Why haven’t you said anything?” _

Harren had shrugged nonchalantly.  _ “I figure she needs someplace quiet to think - like I do. I don’t want to interfere with that.” _

_ “So, why tell me that you know?” _

It was the most compassionate thing the theoretical scientist ever did. Yes, there had been the time when he had been on the Flyer with Kathryn and her other ‘lost sheep’, but as far as Chakotay was concerned, that had been a situation of his logic overcoming his fear. This was a situation where Herron was offering to help protect the Captain’s privacy and peace of mind.

Together, the two of them developed a plan. The next time Chakotay was sure Kathryn was on the bridge and Herron was on duty, Chakotay headed down to deck 15. He showed Herron where the hatch was and explained the arrangement with the lock. 

Thereafter, if the Captain did not appear on the bridge when called for red alert, Chakotay would hail Herron and ask him ‘Is it secure?’ Herron, even if he was not on duty, would run to the hatch and report back either a simple yes or no. They always used ‘it’ - never ‘her’ or “the Captain” - nothing that would give someone a hint of what they were talking about. If Herron said she was there and Chakotay needed her, Chakotay would go down and retrieve her from her hiding spot.

Out of fear that she would change her hiding spot without telling him, Chakotay never told Kathryn that Herron was aware of it - or about the arrangement. In the intervening years, there were many times when the plan was put into play. Only twice had Chakotay needed to retrieve her. Only once had he needed to set off the alarm that she was missing. The peace of mind that Chakotay got from knowing that Herron was watching out for her was immense.

Tom once asked him about what he was always checking Herron about. Chakotay had been prepared with a cover story - He had found a bottle of Irish Whiskey when cleaning out one of the cabins vacated by deceased members of the original crew, which he decided to save for the celebration when they arrived back on Earth. Herron had come upon him when he was hiding it down on deck 15 and, in exchange for silence, he had promised to share the bottle. 

Tom had given him a dubious look, but didn’t ask him any more questions - and never brought it up again. No one else ever asked him and he suspected that Tom had spread the story to the rest of the crew.

Now, once again, Herron had saved the day. Chakotay was heading down, but not necessarily to ‘retrieve’ her. He really just wanted to make sure she was okay. Herron met him at the turbolift. “Commander, I have no idea how long she’s been down there. I came on at 0400 when Kallan got sick, and I never heard her come through.” Harren was uncharacteristically worried.

“It’s fine Mort. She’s had a difficult couple of weeks, and I think it just kind of hit her all at once.” He did his best to quell the unease coming off the other man. “I’m going down to make sure everything is okay. I might stay a while, so I asked Tom to keep everyone in line. It is very possible that he’ll need me, though. If that’s the case, I want you to come get me. Don’t let on to anyone else where we are.”

“Aye, Sir,” came the automatic response. Then, “Sir, what is actually going on up there? Like I said, I’ve been down here since 0400.”

Chakotay sighed, “The ship is supposed to be getting underway today… without our Captain on the bridge.” To Chakotay, the look of outrage on Harren’s face was further proof that somewhere inside the man really was human - and that he loved his captain. “When the crew received their orders this morning and nobody could find the Captain…”

“...Everybody panicked.” Harren finished for him.

“Pretty much.”

Herron sighed, “This whole thing just… sucks.”

“Pretty much,” Chakotay said again, as he moved down the passageway to Kathryn’s little pocket of peace.

He opened the hatch quietly - he didn’t want to wake her if she was sleeping. She was curled up in the ‘bowl’ of the viewport. She didn’t move in response to his arrival. One arm was around her stomach and the other stretched out so her hand was flat on the surface as if she was reaching out to the stars for comfort. 

She looked small and vulnerable, nothing like her normal larger-than-life presence. He climbed down into the pocket, quietly closing the hatch behind him. Gently, he eased himself in next to her and pulled her into his arms. 

That was when she came alive. “Chakotay,” she choked out. “My ship… my crew… broken… pieces...promised they wouldn’t...” She began sobbing in earnest, words coming out, but no real sentences, as if she was only saying the ones that sprung themselves out of her mouth with the force in which she thought them. Her body began moving - as if writhing in pain, her hands gripping the material of his shirt, face hidden in his shoulder.

“Promise… you… promise… ‘Fleet lied… broken… Zach tried… wouldn’t take… too many broken… can’t take… my ship… my crew… not home… broke mine…” On and on she went. From what he was able to grasp from her broken words, she felt that all the promises that she had been given had been broken - first his defection, then Starfleet’s. 

For seven years, these had been the things that kept her together - the ones that kept her going in the face of the incredible odds against her. Even with those lost, she had held out hope that Starfleet would let her lead her ship and crew the final light years to Earth - what had been her own promise - the one she wouldn’t break. 

Now she thought that one had also been broken and she had nothing left - nothing to keep her together. She was breaking apart - her whole being shattering into little pieces around her.

If they had been in a different situation, with private contact with the Doctor, he probably would have called for a sedative. But now, even if he had a communicator, he would reach a stranger - one who didn’t love their Captain - one who held no desire to protect her from herself or the prying, scrutinizing eyes of Starfleet. 

So he did the only thing he could do. He pulled her closer and held her through the storm raging through her, doing his best to keep her pieces from flying out too far away from her so that when she was done falling apart there would be enough left close that he could help her put herself back together.

Eventually the writhing of her body became only trembling, her tears silent streams down her face, her grip loosened until her hands simply rested on his chest. He began stroking her back, whispering soothing words in her ear. After another while she stilled completely, her breathing becoming slow and deep. She was now cradled in the depths of slumber, exhausted by the agonizing night. He continued to hold her tight until he, too succumbed.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Kathryn woke cocooned in a blanket of warmth that she’d never known, her senses surrounded by a soothing and familiar scent, a strong and steady heartbeat sounding in her ear. Chakotay. He’d arrived at some point after she’d been here, hiding in her little cubbyhole, for what she thought was several hours. She’d fallen apart on him, trusting him to keep her safe. He had - as usual. Still heartbroken, she at least felt like she could breathe again.

After Zach left her quarters, she had paced for about an hour. Finding the space too confining, she headed out into Voyager’s hallways as she had done so many times in the past when she couldn’t sleep. It was ships’ night and she hadn’t expected to find many of the crew out and about. There had been times when she ran into someone, but her crew was used to their captain wandering the ship in the middle of the night and they usually left her alone. But there were too many people with unfamiliar faces, now, and she found that they were simply a reminder of all she had lost. So she made her way down to the one space she had left to her.

Over the years, it had been a place of comfort and escape. A place where she could not be found - her only respite from constant duty. Only Chakotay knew about it, and for seven years he had only bothered her twice while she was there. She had never decorated it - never brought so much as a pillow. If for some random chance someone found it, she didn’t want them to realize that she had ever been there.

So, that was where she had hidden herself last night - when she could no longer bear the pain of what was happening - when she could no longer face her crew. Her ship violated, her crew torn apart, her love gone, her promise broken. She’d had enough. She buried her face deeper into the warmth of his neck when the memories threatened to take her over the precipice again, and he stirred.

“Hey,” came a warm voice.

“Hey,” she murmured into his neck.

“Are you OK?”

She paused as she considered his question. “I’m… better.” It was all she could come up with.

She felt, rather than heard, the soft chuckle that vibrated through his chest. “Considering the state I found you in earlier - I’ll take it.”

Kathryn was embarrassed. Rarely had she ever acted that way - and never had she allowed someone else to see it happen. Even after her father’s and Justin’s deaths, she had cried alone in the snow. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“For doing that to you - putting you through it.”

There was a slight pause from him, then, “Kathryn, don’t ever apologize to me for being human. Everyone reaches a breaking point. After all you’ve been through in the past few weeks - not to mention the past seven years - I would expect you to go to pieces like that. I’m just glad you let me be here for you.”

She took a deep breath to steady herself, “Well, then thank you for being here.” She finally pulled her face out of its hiding place in his neck and, pulling back a little, asked, “Why are you here? Why did you come looking for me? I mean, “ she went on bitterly, “it’s not like my presence on the bridge is necessary any more.”

He pulled her back into his chest, “Kathryn, your presence is always needed. No matter what capacity.”

Kathryn pulled back again so she could look at him. “Thank you for that, Chakotay, but you still haven’t answered my question.”

“When the orders came down that Voyager was getting underway, the alert went up through the Voyagers that you weren’t on the bridge. The crew started looking for you, but when they couldn’t find you, they panicked. It was a few tense hours before I realized you were down here. I came looking for you to make sure you were alright and…” He let his sentence taper off, unwilling to say, point blank, that she had been in the middle of a nervous breakdown when he found her.

“...and I wasn’t.” She finished for him.

“...And you weren’t.” There was a small silence. “Kathryn, I’m so sorry. I broke my promise to you.”

“Don’t, Chakotay. It is what it is. A promise made on a wing and a prayer cannot last forever.”

“It did for you.”

There was a small sigh. “Yes, it did. But I had no other choice - no other… options… to turn to. You did.” She shrugged, “I can’t say I blame you. She’s a very beautiful woman.”

“She is…” he said hesitantly, “And she’s a lot like you - strong, willful, mysterious. I think that’s what made her more appealing - it was as close to you as I was going to get.”

“Mysterious?” That earned him a lopsided smile.

Chakotay smiled back at her. “Yes. Mysterious. You keep everything close, only letting out what you want others to see. Figuring you out takes years - and I still haven’t mastered it.”

She shook her head. “You spent years ‘figuring me out’. That’s a hell of a pastime.”

“My favorite.” He gave her a gentle smile, then his face got serious again. “Kathryn, I really am sorry.” The pain in his voice revealing exactly the depth of his feeling.

She looked away slightly, making eye contact with him impossible. ‘I love you, Chakotay, but that broken promise would never send me into a nervous breakdown. I would - and did - survive that. That was just… one of several.”

“So, what did Starfleet promise you that they didn’t deliver on?”

Kathryn gave a slight snort. “About the only promise they kept was to say ‘Hi’ when we got back.” She leaned up on one elbow, her head supported in her open palm. “When we first made contact with Starfleet, I was worried about their reaction to the… non-original… members of the crew. But Starfleet said they agreed with my decisions regarding them, and they would update the crew manifest to include everyone, including the field ranks and positions I handed out. They told me that the war was long over, and any former affiliation with the Maquis would be ‘overlooked’. As far as they were concerned, the Equinox crew had served in extreme stress under an unfit captain, and their service on Voyager showed their desire to adhere to proper protocol. As for Seven, Icheb and the Doctor - you were there when the Federation granted the Doctor limited rights, Icheb was applying for Starfleet Academy, and they were singing Seven’s praises about how crucial her input and innovations have been to the ongoing success of Voyager’s mission. But now…”

“Now, everyone other than Starfleet crew are relieved of duty.” 

She nodded. “...and discredited. I’m just glad I was able to get as much as I did before they shut me down. I had to convince them to let me tell everyone personally.” She met his eyes, tears welling back up in her own. “You know - they wanted me to make a general announcement about the Maquis and the others over the comm. Can you imagine? ‘All hands, this is the Captain speaking. Everyone who did not board this ship as a member of Starfleet crew, you are relieved. Stand down from your stations and a real member of Starfleet will replace you. Just go back to your quarters and hang out while you wait to see if you’re going to jail - or be pulled apart for further study.’ I would rather have died!” She looked away again. “Thank you for coming with me, by the way. After how I’d just treated you, I wouldn’t have held it against you if you said no.”

“I couldn’t leave you alone like that, regardless of what was going on between us, personally.” 

Kathryn hid her face against his chest, again. “...and then my ship - my beautiful ship! Voyager gave everything to us. She always rose to the challenge… did whatever we asked of her. Everything we did to repay her for her duty - the upgrades - the enhancements… everything gone. That’s the part I really can’t understand. Starfleet was fascinated with some of the things B’Elanna had done with the engines… the improvements Harry had made to the sensors and other systems, Admiral Puglio begged me for updated schematics so they could study what had been done. Why would they dismantle it as soon as we got home? How can they see it in action if it no longer exists?”

There was a soft chuckle. “Well, first of all, it’s not dismantled - just bypassed. And since the AQ crew did most of the work on the bypass, they know exactly how to put it back the way it was.”

She lifted her head from his chest and gave him an incredulous look. “Why the hell would they do that?”

“Officially, there’s been no reason given, but I’m guessing that Starfleet wanted to make sure we couldn’t escape with a ship that had better, more powerful systems.”

Kathryn snorted, “In a way, that does make sense. Especially after what they did to the crew.” She sighed. “All those promises… broken… Nothing we expected - nothing we planned - has come true. It’s almost as if we shouldn’t have even bothered.”

“What promise do you think that you’ve broken, Kathryn? As far as I’m concerned, you kept every promise you ever made.”

“I promised I’d bring them home, Chakotay. We’re not home.”

“Uh, Kathryn? Have you looked at any sensor readings? I hate to break the news to you, but we ARE home.”

She gave him a lopsided half smile. “I know it’s spitting hairs, but we are simply in the Alpha Quadrant. Home is Earth - another week or so travel from here.” She rolled over onto her back and got a faraway look in her eyes. “I had these visions of soaring into Earth’s orbit - maybe even landing right outside Starfleet Headquarters. The Voyager and her crew coming home victorious.” She waved her hand out to her side to emphasize her point. Her look sobered again, “But now we’re limping in with half a ship and half her crew and…”

“...Without her captain,” he finished for her.

She gave him an embarrassed look, “Is that self-centered of me? I mean - as long as we’re home, it shouldn’t really matter who’s in command when we get there.”

Chakotay grinned at her, “Kathryn, you have every right to feel that it should be you in command when we get to Earth. However, regardless of who’s in command, it was still you that got us here. And I want you to remember that it wasn’t you who broke a promise - it was Starfleet that kept you from fulfilling it in the manner that you expected. The intent of it is intact and will be fulfilled.”

“I know… but still…” They were silent for a moment. Kathryn was lost in her visions and dreams of their arrival on Earth. Chakotay was lost in Kathryn. She was laying flat on her back on the viewport. The stars twinkling behind her made her look as if she was floating in space - a beautiful, ethereal vision. Her arm was splayed out to her side - his vision morphing into him reaching for that hand, lacing their fingers together as he made love to her while they floated among the stars. 

He started picking out stars to map a constellation around her. Like the Greeks and Romans, he would find her there - the goddess Kathryn the Bold. Audacious, resolute and fearless, she would lead whomever would follow her across the stars and back… 

Wait - the stars! He looked past the object of his imagination and focused on the port behind her. He could pick out individual pinpricks of light. If they were traveling at warp, those pinpricks would be streaks.

“Kathryn?”

“Hmn?” she murmured, still lost in her thoughts.

“The stars - they aren’t moving -  _ we _ aren’t moving.”

He watched, fascinated, as her focus turned from her thoughts to her ship. It was an intriguing sight. She would appear to sink into her ship, becoming one with the bulkheads. If the ship did actually have a soul, it was part of hers. “Not only are we not moving - the warp engines are offline.”

They shared a worried look. “I guess it’s time to get back to the real world.”

She sighed, “I guess you’re right.”

They moved toward the hatch, when Chakotay realized that she looked a little...like she’d just had a nervous breakdown. “Uh, Kathryn? It might not be the best thing for you to go out in the hallways.”

“Why not? Isn’t the point for us to get back out there right away? I was thinking we should start in the mess hall.”

“I really think you should head right to your quarters - unseen - so you can get freshened up.”

She gave him a look. “That bad, huh?” He simply nodded. “OK, how do you think we can get out of here, then?”

He considered that for a moment. A site to site transport would be the best, but neither one of them had their communicators with them. Perhap he could get Herren to help him. “Stay here, I have an idea.”

He found Herron leaning back in his seat with his feet up, studying a padd. “Well, Commander, it’s nice of you to come back to us.” His more typical superior attitude that bordered on disrespect had returned. “Is she with you?”

“Yes, but we need a way to get back to her quarters unseen.”

Harren put his feet down and sat forward. “It’s already been arranged. You’ll take the turbolift and stop between decks seven and eight. Call transporter room two for a site to site to the Captain’s quarters. You’ll find a fresh uniform for each of you and both your communicators. When you are finished getting dressed, you are to contact Tom Paris. He’ll fill you in on the current status.”

“And just what is the current status, Mr. Harren?”

The other man shook his head, “Sorry Chakotay, I’ve been ordered by  _ Acting Captain Paris _ to keep my mouth shut.”

“ _ Acting Captain Paris _ ?” 

“Yes, well, with both you and the Captain… off duty… and Commander Tuvok away on indefinite medical leave, that left Tom as the most senior bridge officer available. Besides,” he gave Chakotay an indignant look, “As Paris is so quick to inform everyone, you did leave him in charge.”

Chakotay gave a small groan. “I guess I did, didn’t I? Well, all the more reason to get going.”

Harren pulled off his communicator badge and handed it to Chakotay. “You’ll need this to call for the transport.”

Chakotay rounded the corner to find Kathryn sitting on the edge of the hatch, her feet dangling over the edge like a child sitting at the edge of a pool - or a dock like the one at Lake George. It was so unlike the Captain, it took him off guard.

“Are we going to get moving?” Her voice cut through his reverie. “I take it you found a way.”

“We’re all set.”

She held out her hand for him to help her up. “Let’s get going then.” As they headed toward the turbolift, Chakotay wondered if she realized she had never let go of his hand. “So, how is it that riding up the ‘lift is going to keep me from the ‘public eye’?”

“Just wait and see.” 

She let go of his hand to put hers on her hips. “Tell me.” 

He immediately acquiesced - he didn’t want her surprised about the plans that had been laid out - and that they had been arranged by at least some of the crew - led by none other than  _ Acting Captain _ Tom Paris. 

Both of her eyebrows shot up at that one. “We need to move quickly - I don’t want Tom in charge of my ship… How the hell is  _ anyone _ in charge?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I have no idea. He ordered Harren not to tell us.”

“ _ Harren _ ?” 

He grinned. “How do you think I found out about this little plan of theirs?” He held up the communicator badge, “Or how I got this?”

“But still…  _ Mortimer Harren _ ?”

Chakotay laughed, “That’s a story for another time.” 


	7. Coming Home

The plan went like clockwork. Almost before they knew it, they were standing in Kathryn’s quarters - looking at the uniforms carefully laid out on her bed - positioned as if each of them was laying in it. Definitely the work of Tom Paris, Chakotay thought. 

Chakotay couldn’t help it. The suggestive positioning of their uniforms brought on a vision of the two of them together on her bed… his and Kathryn’s bodies wrapped around each other… the look of rapture on her face as he entered her. His breath caught, trying to hold off the moan wanting to escape from his lips.

 

Damn Tom! Kathryn was busy mentally cursing out the impetuous young man. The suggestion of what they might have been doing during their absence was crude and insulting. At the sound of Chakotay’s stifled gasp, Kathryn glanced at him from under her lashes - the heated look on his face causing her entire body to flush and a sudden gush of moisture between her legs. 

“Urm… How about you go first… I need a cup of coffee.” Escaping her bedroom, she headed for her replicator, calling back over her shoulder. “I suspect you know where everything is.” 

 

He did know where everything would be. They had shared a shelter for almost two months - one that only had one bathroom.

He knew that her shampoo would be sitting upright on the shelf with the conditioner turned upside down behind it. (‘ _ The consistency is too thick. It takes too long to come down to the mouth of the bottle. _ )  He knew her soap would be in a dish on her sink, instead of remaining in the shower. ( _ It gets soggy if you leave it there. _ ). And he knew that he would find her toothbrush at the edge of her sink - perfectly positioned with the brush end hanging over the edge of the bowl. ( _ If I stand it up in a cup, the water drips down the handle. _ ) If they had shared that space previously, then why did he feel so uncomfortable?

 

‘It’s my personal bathroom - that must be the difference.’ she thought as she downed the first cup of coffee and went for a second. The hot, bitter brew slid down her throat, cauterizing the last of her exposed nerves and strengthening her for whatever else Tom had cooked up.

Chakotay appeared from her bedroom looking fresh and clean-shaven rather quickly - she remembered, then, that it never took him long to get ready. He was a man with simple needs. She hadn’t realized until they were sharing that shelter just how simply he could live. After a certain period of time, the lifestyle had become appealing to her. “Your turn,” he said with a grin. “I left some hot water for you.”

She laughed - the discomfort dissipated with his joking manner. “I’ll try to be quick. I know how you hate to wait. Besides, I’m dying to know what  _ Acting Captain Paris _ has up his sleeve.”

Twenty minutes later, they both stood in front of her communications console waiting for Tom to appear. “Good afternoon, Captain… Commander. Nice to see you’re ready to get back to business.” His trademark teasing grin spread across his face.

Kathryn’s hands went to her hips while she leveled one of her death-glares at the young man. “I’d like a status report,  _ Lieutenant _ .”

Chakotay stifled his own grin as any trace of one dropped from Tom’s face. There were only a few things in the universe that could put Tom in his place. A punch in the arm from B’Elanna would do it, but that always came with a response before the grin went away ( _ Hey! I was only joking! _ ). One look from the Captain, though, brought him back in line without question or objection.

“Er… Yes, Ma’am.” Chakotay stifled another grin - only Tom was allowed to consistently call her  _ Ma’am _ . Tom’s shoulders straightened as he began his report. “The crew -  _ all _ of them - are at their stations, awaiting your orders, Captain.”

Captain and Commander each looked at each other quizzically. Kathryn’s arms moved from her hips to cross themselves across her chest. “Explain.”

“Um… well… as I said - we’re all at our stations…”

Chakotay groaned. “Tom, please tell me you haven’t staged a coup!”

The Lieutenant had the decency to look a little abashed. “Well… not exactly.”

“So what  _ exactly _ have you done?” Came Kathryn’s stern response.

“We… ah… staged a sit-in?” He responded uncomfortably.

“What the hell is a sit-in?”

“It’s a form of non-violent protest developed in the 1960’s.”

Kathryn groaned out loud. “I should have known you would come up with something from the 20th century. Tell me what  _ non-violent _ actions have you taken that have not resulted in incarceration.”

A look of triumph came over the pilot’s face. “Each of the Voyagers locked out their stations with Borg encryptions and refused to unlock them until all crew were placed back on duty - and their captain returned to command.”

“And this worked?” Chakotay asked, amazed.

“To the extent that the situation had to be reported to Fleet Admiral Nechayev.”

“And just how did that change the situation?” Came Kathryn’s confused response.

“Well, Zach found out that the other Admirals hadn’t known that Admiral Kawaoki was acting on his own - without reporting details to Nechayev.”

Kathryn snorted “I wouldn’t trust too much of what comes out of Zach’s mouth. He’s Admiral Kawaoki’s Primary Aide.”

“So that’s who it is! I could never figure that part out.” 

She gave Chakotay an incredulous look, “You knew? And  _ trusted him _ ?

“I may have worked as your Starfleet officer for the past seven years, but I’m still Maquis - especially when I’m treated like one. Zach was always around, but never worked at a station, and there was no mention of what department he belonged to. The only thing we knew about him was that he had supposedly been at the Academy with you - something we couldn’t verify until you saw him. He always knew what was going on - like it was coming from the inside. So, we tested him, Maquis-style. We fed him information, then waited to see what happened. The least important things we gave him were the only things that ever came back out from Starfleet. So, yes, I trust him.”

“He tried to promise me that he never spied on us.” She spoke in a quiet voice. “That he had never lied about his feelings about how we were being treated… that he’d actually tried to get Kawaoki to change his mind. I refused to accept it.”

“Just one too many broken...” Chakotay said under his breath. She simply nodded in response, then looked back at the screen where Tom sat quietly - a puzzled look on his face. 

“I’m still not sure what is going on - the Fleet Admiral had no idea what Admiral Kawaoki was doing? And the others had no idea that the situation was not being reported to her? How did everything come out in the open, then?”

“Did Chakotay tell you about the panic that ensued when we couldn’t find you?” Kathryn nodded. “Well it wasn’t just on the Voyager side. Although there were no point-blank accusations, each side believed that the other one had you in hiding. Finally Zach came in and warned us that Kawaoki was starting to whisper the idea that you had… ahhh… taken a spacewalk… without an environmental suit.”

Her jaw dropped. “I would NEVER have done something like that!”

“We know that… and Zach knows it, too. He started quietly talking to the other aides - something he’d been afraid to try because he wasn’t sure who he could trust. That’s when he found out that the other Admirals had been cut out of the line of communication with Nechayev, so they had no real clue what the her actual orders had been to Admiral Kawaoki.”

“And they were…”

“To hold Voyager where it was until arrangements could be made on Earth for their return. To bypass any changes to her propulsion systems for fear that they might prove detrimental to the Alpha Quadrant area of space. That was it. The rest of it came from Admiral Kawaoki, himself.” 

Tom leaned in as if sharing a secret, “It seems he’s lost a few important people in his life - one at Wolf 369, and one in the war. He’s blaming it all on Seven, Icheb and the Maquis. He decided to cut them out, and took the rest of the non-Starfleet crew with them.”

“Damn.” Chakotay was shaking his head in disbelief. “That’s some serious bigotry.”

“Yep - and Admiral Nechayev is viewing it as insubordination. He’s been relieved of Command, pending a decision on Court Martial.” The mischievous grin was back in full force.

Kathryn’s jaw dropped, Chakotay was speechless, and Tom decided to push on. “So, at the moment everything postion-wise has been put back where it belongs. The engines, unfortunately, stay the way the Starfleet crew made them. There are still several in Starfleet Command that are… not fond of us… or our actions, but we are now under orders to continue on to Earth under your crew - and your command, Captain. So, can I tell them that you’re coming up to the bridge?” His grin was now ear-to-ear and his eyes shone with excitement.

Kathryn looked over to Chakotay, tears in her eyes. She needed a laugh, so he looked back at her. “I don’t know, Kathryn.” The mischief in his voice matched the twinkle in his eyes. “Perhaps we should just go back to your little hiding place and let  _ Acting Captain Paris _ here run things.”

It was enough to make her laugh. “I’m not really sure Starfleet Command would put up with him much longer.” She tilted her head to one side, as if considering something, “But maybe we should surprise them and just show up unannounced.”

Tom looked crestfallen - he’d been looking forward to seeing the bridge crew’s (and his father’s) faces when he told them that Captain Janeway was on her way. Chakotay decided it was the perfect way to pay back the young man for the way he’d been throwing his weight around with the crew - and for the way he’d laid out their uniforms on her bed. 

“I think that’s a wonderful idea! Tom, you are not to say a word until after we arrive on the bridge.” Then he turned to Kathryn and - to keep Tom guessing on the actual timing of their arrival - asked her, “Captain, do you think we should stop for a bite to eat, first?”

Kathryn cut the communication with a laugh. “I like the way you think, Commander!”

Despite his teasing words to Tom, Chakotay expected Kathryn to make a beeline for her bridge. She surprised him, though, and actually did eat a bowl of her oatmeal/peanut butter concoction before heading out. Suspecting she might get emotional stepping back into her command, he kept her laughing during the short turbolift ride up to the bridge.

It was Harry who caught sight of them first. His proximity to the turbolift meant he could hear the soft swish of the doors as they opened. “Captain on the bridge!” He announced excitedly.

Chakotay looked around as each person on the bridge, including - to his surprise - Tom’s father Admiral Paris, turned and faced their Captain at full attention. Kathryn hesitated a moment, slightly overwhelmed as Chakotay had expected. He placed a hand at the small of her back and urged her forward.

She moved slowly onto the bridge, stopping at Harry’s station to pat him gently on the shoulder, then moving down to Tom, where she repeated the gesture. Chakotay followed, acknowledging each of them with a nod, until they both stood on the Command Level facing Admiral Paris. 

“Good evening Captain… Commander.” He greeted them formally. “I’m glad to see that the reports of your… demise… have been greatly exaggerated.” A twinkle nearly identical to Tom’s shone in his eyes.

Kathryn gave him the same sarcastic smile she reserved for Tom when his impishness was within appropriate boundaries. Chakotay briefly wondered if her relationship with Tom’s father was what made her able to deal with Tom’s approach to the world. 

“It would seem so, wouldn’t it?” She turned to look at her chair, then back at Paris with a matching twinkle in her eye. “Been keeping my spot warm for me?”

Admiral Paris grinned. “Something like that.” He leaned in toward her as if to share a secret. “It doesn’t fit me, though. Someone else has spent the last seven years molding it to their rear end.”

Kathryn’s laughter rang out through the bridge. “Something like that!’ Then she leaned in as if to share her own secret. “Although I sometimes wished that it was designed with seatbelts.”

Is was the Admiral’s turn to laugh out loud. “That’s not a bad idea, Katie. Perhaps you should mention it to Admiral Ja’Nekkae when you see him.”

“Neek is still around?” Kathryn said incredulously, unconsciously using the nickname she and her sister had used as children. Ja’Nekkae had been a brash young Ensign working under her father when she was just a young girl.

The elder Paris nodded. “Yes… and just as much trouble as he’s always been. He heads up the interior ship design department, and is always looking for new ways to annoy people.” They shared another laugh. 

Kathryn was relishing the opportunity to share a joke with someone who knew her background, and the stories and personalities that went with it. She had shared a few funny stories with Chakotay over the years, but had always had to explain the entire background to the situation before he would understand the joke. 

Tom may have known a few of the people, but he was a generation younger than she was - and his relationship with his father had been different. She didn’t think he would have understood her stories without just as much explanation. A quick glance in his direction verified her suspicion - he was wearing the same confused expression as the rest of the bridge.

“Ahem.” Admiral Paris cleared his throat. “Back to business, Captain. I will relinquish command back to you, as it seems that you are the only one who can keep these delinquents in hand.”

“Thank you, sir. They are quite a… strong-minded… bunch. That temperament has saved us several times, so I felt it best to allow it to continue… as long as it was directed appropriately.” She smiled and gave him a meaningful look,0. “It seems it has saved us, once again.”

He huffed a small laugh. “So it seems, Katie. So it seems.” With that, he stepped aside and, with a flourish, waved her to her chair. “Captain, I stand relieved.” He said formally. Then, with a wink to her and an “I’ll expect to see my granddaughter shortly.” to his son, he called for a transport to his ship and disappeared in a blue haze.

Kathryn turned to look at her bridge crew, all still standing at attention. “At ease. Harry, open a ship-wide channel.”

“Channel open, Captain.” He responded with no small amount of joy.

“Voyagers, this is  _ your _ Captain speaking.. Thank you all… for all you have done. Now, it’s time to get underway, so everyone log into your stations.’ 

Once again, Harry reversed the comm so that the cheers from the crew filled the bridge. The Captain turned to look at Chakotay - a beaming smile on her face - then headed to her chair. “Mr. Paris, set a course… for home.”

“Yes,  _ Ma’am _ !” The same amount of joy reflected in the pilot's voice as Harry’s had held. 

The following week was among the happiest Kathryn had known on Voyager. They were back in the Alpha Quadrant. Here, there was no unending search for supplies, no constant yellow alert watching for the next hostile alien, and no desperate repairs being done on the fly with parts cobbled together with whatever they had on hand. 

With these situations well in hand, Kathryn’s daily reports were often a formal way of saying a simple ‘Everything is great down here.’ The need for 18-hour shifts was gone - for once, Kathryn could leave her shift at the official end time, with no leftover work she had to face the next morning. 

She still received near-constant communications from Starfleet Command, but the tone was much more respectful - it seemed every Admiral at Headquarters wanted to be on a first-name basis with her before they arrived on Earth. Kathryn even received a few from Fleet Admiral Nechayev, herself. 

Although the other woman never came right out and said it, her words had ‘apology’ written all over them. Kathryn stored Nechayev’s words in the Starfleet portion of her heart, which was still wounded by what Admiral Kawaoki had done - hoping that they would at least suture the wound closed until it had time to heal.

There might have been a time when she would have found the extra time off the bridge intensely dull. Instead, all the new friendships she had formed while she was ‘off duty’ stood her in good stead. She took daily lunch breaks in the mess hall, joking around with whatever members of crew were there. Dinners she spent in her quarters with Chakotay, where they spent their time rebuilding and reinforcing the friendship they had nearly lost.

Chakotay told her about the arrangement he had made with Mortimer Herron to keep an eye on her hiding spot without intruding on her privacy. She decided that there was no way she would truly believe that Harren had done something so… selfless… much less offered to do it. She was also pretty sure that Tom Paris hadn’t believed Chakotay’s cover story one bit, but grateful that he had kept his thoughts to himself and never gossiped about it.

She shared some of what her older self had told her about the future that no longer existed. She tried to be as careful as she could about the relationship between Seven and Chakotay, but knew that he was able to read between the lines. Sometimes the expression on his face nearly broke her heart. 

Finally, they came within a day’s travel of Earth. The excitement on the ship was palpable, wide grins on everyone’s faces. Kathryn accepted a formal comm call from Command in her ready room. There was great anticipation, mingled with a little fear - no one had ever mentioned if there would be repercussions from their little protest. Finally, Chakotay was called to her ready room.

She was on the upper level, staring out her viewport as usual. “Have a seat, Commander… tea?”

“Yes, please… the usual.” 

She flashed a grin back at him as she brought their cups over to the sofa and sat down next to him. Picking up her cup, she leaned back and sighed. “Well, it’s done.”

Inside, Chakotay panicked - what’s ‘done’? The trip? Her career? Their freedom because of what they had pulled? “Oh?” He tried to sound calm.

She rolled her head toward him and grinned. “Relax, Chakotay… the trip is done, the decisions made… the families contacted. All we have to do is land on the Presidio, and walk into the arms of our loved-ones.” The grin on her face was wide and her eyes were dancing. Her promise to her crew was about to be fulfilled, her wish granted.

“All of the families were contacted? Even…” he couldn’t finish the sentence - was almost afraid of the answer.

Kathryn grabbed his hand and nodded, “Yes.  _ All _ of the families. They’ve spent the last week contacting everyone, arranging transportation for those who needed it.” When his law dropped, she smirked. “Oh, don’t deceive yourself. It’s self-serving on their part. They want the adoring crowd as big as possible. They want to look like the benevolent rulers - willing to make bygones be bygones so that nobody asks how we were treated… and nobody offers up anything either.”

Chakotay caught the bitter tone in her voice. It must be doubly difficult for someone like her, who had put their trust in Starfleet from an early age - held it through seven difficult years when she could have made whatever decision she chose - only to have the organization treat them with so little respect… until it realized that those disrespected people had a voice, and would use it. “Kathryn…”

She cut him off. “I wasn’t able to get the decisions changed, though. I was able to get a few more concessions for Icheb, Seven, and the Doctor - Icheb’s application for the Academy will be considered as any other member of the Federation, Seven will be allowed to make her own life decisions, and the Doctor’s program will be his own. They will all be required to ‘check in’ regularly, though, to keep them under some kind of control.” She sighed. “It’s not perfect, but it’s better than what Admiral Asshole wanted to do.”

Chakotay laughed out loud, “Admiral  _ Asshole _ ? Kathryn Janeway, you should be ashamed of yourself. That’s no way to treat a member of the Admiralty!”

She gave him the look she reserved for the likes of the Borg Queen. “A member who is currently being investigated for Court Martial. You’d better believe I’ll give testimony - and be in the front row when he’s convicted.” 

Her expression morphed into a sly smile. “Even if he’s acquitted, he’s embarrassed the Fleet Admiral, and pissed off a whole lot of the more… respectable… Admirals. He’ll be better off cutting his losses and retiring. Maybe he’ll be forced into resigning his commission and slinking off quietly into the sunset!”

They sat quietly for a moment, enjoying the idea of ‘Admiral Asshole’ getting a taste of what he tried to dish out to them. A thought occurred to Chakotay. “Kathryn, you’ve told me the fates of everyone on board, and you’ve given a general idea to the rest of the crew… but will there be an official announcement made?”

Surprise, followed by dismay, washed over her face. “You weren’t told? I thought that everyone knew by now!” Her head dropped into her hands “Crickets, Chakotay! I feel just awful.” She sat up again. “Do you think the whole crew would fit into someplace on the ship?”

“Maybe cargo bay one. It was emptied of everything when they were… cleaning house.”

“Perfect.” She slapped her hands on her legs and stood up. “Order an all-stop - I don’t want any non-Voyager flying my ship. I’m going to get Admiral Paris to send over a skeleton crew to keep an eye on things while the entire crew can meet at once. You tell the crew - all of them, including Miral and Naomi Wildman - to assemble in cargo bay one at…” she checked the time, “say… 1500?”

He nodded, “Sounds good to me.”

“Let’s do it.”

At 1500, the entire crew of Voyager was assembled in cargo bay one. Chakotay had sent out the message with some reassuring words. When he’d ordered Tom to an all-stop and told the bridge crew about the meeting, there had been worry and fear in their faces. He didn’t want anyone else panicking - especially when their stations were taken over, once again, with crew from the other ships.

At 1501, Captain Janeway strode into the cargo bay… and was met with thundering applause from her crew. She stood with her arms crossed in front of her and allowed it to go on for a moment, then held up her hands to get everyone to settle down. “Voyagers - we did it. At the moment, we are only a day away from Earth, and should arrive at about this time tomorrow.” 

A cheer went up, which she quieted as soon as she could. “I want to thank all of you for your service and dedication over the last seven years… and also for your successful coup.” She kept the comment vague - it wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone to hear her openly support their actions.

“It has come to my attention that certain information has not been relayed to you… which I will share in just a moment. But first, I want to point out that without each one of you, the others around you would not be here, now. Together, we formed a family out of groups of people who thought they had nothing in common. Somewhere along the way, we stopped seeing ourselves as anything other than Voyager’s crew. That’s something I’m very proud of - I hope you are, too. I also want you to be aware that  _ everyone’s _ families have been contacted, and transportation has been provided so they are on-hand to meet us when we arrive tomorrow. Seven - that includes your aunt. Former Maquis - that also includes anyone Starfleet could locate.”

“Unfortunately, Starfleet still sees us as different groups - a situation made all too clear to us a few weeks ago. While the news I’m going to share with you is all good - it is  _ not _ equal. In the interest of getting all the information out completely, I will ask you all to hold off on your reactions until I have finished. So, without further ado…” 

Kathryn went through the list, starting with the Starfleet Crew, moving down to Seven, Icheb, and the Doctor. When she was finished, she took a deep breath. “That’s about it. Feel free to respond as you see fit.”

There was a moment of silence, then _You mean, we’re free?_ _I’m not going to be decompiled? I wonder if they found my cousin? Sihu - we can be together - neither one of us is going to jail! I don’t have to tell my family what I did with Ransom?_

Kathryn had not expected such positive reactions. She’d expected a small amount of relief, of course - no one was going to prison, the Equinox crew were not being disgraced, and everyone would be able to make their own decisions about their futures. The inequities had gone unnoticed - she now wondered if the topic would ever come up.

A smiling Chakotay appeared next to her. “I told you it would be alright. Over the past seven years, they have all learned to keep focus on the good things. When - if - the topic comes up, they will support each other.” He cocked his head to one side, “You never said if your situation has changed.’

She sighed, “I’m still on administrative leave, pending further review. The attitude is much more positive, but I still have to give a lot of answers to a lot of questions.”

He took both of her hands in his. “You know we’ll all be here for you. Voyagers don’t leave anyone behind - that’s what their captain taught us.”

She smiled and touched his face. “I’m counting on it.”

Almost exactly 24 hours later, at 1430 hours, Voyager landed on the Presidio in front of Starfleet Headquarters. Their pilot, unable to resist the temptation, had first made a low-orbit pass around the entire planet, announcing their arrival to everyone on Earth with his typical flair. Even he was silent after the landing sequence was finished and B’Elanna - on the bridge with Miral tucked safely in a sling hung around her shoulders - shut down the engines.

No one moved, staring out the viewscreen at the long-awaited sight before them. Finally, Chakotay heard the quiet words of the Captain.  _ “Promise… kept.” _ Then she locked eyes with Chakotay as she ordered Harry to open another ship-wide channel. “Voyagers, welcome home.” It was all she said. As before, Harry reversed the comm so she could hear the cheers of her crew.

“Ahem, Commander,” came the voice of Tom Paris, “These are for you.” He held out two bottles of Irish Whiskey. At Chakotay’s puzzled look, he went on. “I figured you might actually want to toast the moment… and after guarding that  _ bottle _ for so many years, Harren earned his own.”

Kathryn laughed out loud - she’d known that Tom was entirely too intuitive to accept Chakotay’s cover story at face value. She was about to say something to that respect when Chakotay spoke up. “Thank you, Tom, but I have a better idea how to celebrate.”

Kathryn felt herself being swept up in Chakotay’s arms. Before she could react, his lips were on hers.

Chakotay had taken a gamble - a big one - that they had been able to rebuild their relationship enough that she would accept what he was offering. After a tense moment, she relaxed and accepted the kiss, deepening it until it became passionate. Finally, they were forced to come up for air. Before they had completely separated, he whispered against her lips. “ _ Promise… kept.” _ When he pulled back to see her face, she was beaming, tears running down her face. He looked into her eyes “Marry me.”

She nodded. “Yes.” 

A whoop came up from Tom Paris - still standing close enough to hear them speak. But the couple didn’t notice, too wrapped up in each other, they forgot there were others around them.

Kathryn pulled Chakotay back in for another searing kiss. Again, as they separated to come up for air, he whispered against her lips.  _ “Promise… kept.” _


End file.
